A weekend of winding down

Sometimes doing little helps accomplish more.  Rarely, but sometimes...

This weekend, I went back to le Camp des Pines where Sylvain lives, on the Cox family trap line.  Josie's Cabin is around there too, and it's near Radisson.  It really makes a difference when you have no electricity, running water and your place is more remote, or 'in the woods', as Sylvain would say (dans le bois).  Sure it's a little more inconvenient, but life just has a whole new meaning when you go back to the basics. 

Saturday, I went up with Emily, Josie Cox's wife and their kids Youdin and Seeguin.  It was really nice being able to get out there with her because I feel like she's one of those people I can really trust, and the whole Cox family (from what I've experienced- Josie, Janie, William, all teachers at the school) They're the kind of people that will go well out of their way to help you out.

I slept in the cabin with the Katimavik group, but Saturday night I was in bed by 9:00 since I felt a cold coming on and honestly I was just drained.  Friday night I tried napping unsuccessfully twice and ended up in bed at 1 AM too.  I had a dream that I was punched in the face by a teenager at the school and I woke up with a swollen eye.  I figured it was from black fly bites from the evening before but holy moly, I could barely even see!  Thankfully, I got out for my morning walk but I tried reading and writing and I just felt way too stuffy to even do that much! Sunday was also really rainy and I could just feel a whole lot of emotions I didn't quite understand, so I went off to write and ended up talking to a volunteer for about an hour and a half (or longer, I don't really know.)  It was Talia, actually. The same girl that recited poetry at the talent show.  Awesome girl! It was really nice because I let go of a lot of emotions and was able to better process it all in the clear air.  I was so thankful Talia was there for me too. 

The rest of the day was pretty blah since it was raining and I was feeling ill, until the evening when the rain stopped for a bit and I asked a few volunteers if they wanted to go for a walk.  Next I new, more than half the group came along!  I started singing some Joni Mitchell, then we kept singing song to song and we really had a blast.  It almost felt like I was a camp counselor again, except they weren't kids I had to look after,  but I still feel like I have to be an example too, of course.  It's just so much more laid back since we're the same age.  I also want to push them a little when I can though.  Monday, Chris drove the van somewhere to help Sylvain with something and everyone hopped in.  On the way back, I said "come on, lazy bums!  Walk!"  Sure enough, those of us that walked had more fun than the rest!  Monday was a sunny day and I felt so much better than before- mentally and physically!  I was even doing some cartwheels!  haha!  We also did some tree planting!  I sort of wish I'd gone off on my own for a little longer to do some berry picking or mushroom hunting, but I'm sure I'll be back soon! :) 

In short, it was a super weekend I really enjoyed, and I have a feeling I'll be spending more of my time outdoors since, Fri Lufts Liv (Free Open Air Life) is, after all, what I want to incorporate in my life!

Modesty.

If I leave this place learning anything, it's modesty.

I thought I could do better for them.  In fact, I thought there was so much wrong that I wanted to come and fix it.

But the truth is, there's a whole lot I don't know.  A whole lot I didn't even know I didn't know.  Like handling 20 kids at once.  I want to do some things, but I can't until they start to listen.  I want them to do what I say, why should they when they don't even know why I'm telling them to do this or that.

I'm starting to understand why there's training to be a teacher, but there's more to it than just giving lessons.

FIRST PICTURE! (taken by Linda)

I almost forgot to mention that I went to LG-2 (La grande #2, a dam) this weekend for a tour with the teachers.  We actually had a lot of fun because we're all such goofs!  It was interesting to see, but I also honestly felt like I was bring spoonfed to think "favourably" of the dam and Hydro Quebec. (Especially after answering the survey at the end.)
L to R: Me, Linda, Claire, Mike (pointing at nothing) Rubin (what a poser...) Kris, Savanna, Sylvain, Mirabel. (Savanna and Mirabel are Taiwanese!)  Sylvain and Linda are francophones and the rest are anglophones!  The other teachers I hang out with are mostly Francophones!  Pretty awesome people though, I must say. I'm happy to be part of the crew! And thanks to Linda for organizing this!

Another day...

Well, today wasn't easy, but it felt much better.

Sleep helps, of course.

So do comments like "don't be too hard on yourself"  from another teacher and nice comments on Facebook from Mom, support from Sam on the phone and even a good roomate that brought back a few things from her weekend!

It felt like a Friday at the end of the day.  Maybe because I left earlier than I have been leaving, but it can't have been too bad, because Fridays are always good.

Two students (in grade 5, I might add) skipped my class in the afternoon.  They're friends, but one claims he wasn't with the other.  I saw one standing on the other side of the school at recess and told him to go outside with the other kids.  He wouldn't listen and I sent him to the office.  " I don't want to go to class," he said.  After school, his mother came to me and asked me why the school didn't call her.  "I found out from other students," she said. And she wasn't too pleased.

Another student came to class upset because his bike was stolen.

I felt bad about being so firm with the student that later said he was mad before understanding why, but I'm glad I talked to him and his mother after school because I understood better after. 
His mom wanted to switch him to the other class for a few reasons, but he wants to stay.  "I like having you in my class," I said.  I told his mom how well he was doing in class as well.

It all sucked a little, but honestly, I felt like I did all that I could.  So it wasn't so bad.
And again, it felt like Friday, so I guess it wasn't so bad after all.

"And it's only Tuesday..." another teacher said.  But I feel alright.

Remember to live, remember to give!

I love Chisasibi, but I'm finding moments where I say to myself "it's only 4 months..."

Remember to Live, Remember to Give...

The words I wrote myself, I must remember them every day. 
Rather than telling myself it'll be over soon, I must learn to enjoy it all for what it's worth and to give it everything I've got.  I haven't been sleeping enough, so I was tired today and the kids were all over me.
Kids don't give breaks.  You can't let anything slip.  You have to be consistent, you have to be on the ball, and honestly, you have to be organized to be a good teacher.

Oh boy, I need to do better than this. They deserve better, they really do.  But I can only give my best.

I'm not sure that the planning, the structure and the organization is really what I'm cut out for to be honest.  Even so, I can do better than this, so I have to try. 
I thought this would help me learn, and it will, but, to be a good teacher, one should be well-balanced, aware of their surroundings and, of course, mature.  Next time I feel I need to work on something, I think I'll try something that will affect me more than kids.  I thought I could do better for them than they were getting before, but now I'm not so sure.  Even then, though, I'm here, and I'm a pair of hands that will give what I can.

So now's my chance to keep pushing myself and find that balance I need.  I need to manage my time so I can give more of my energy to the development of these kids and to do so, I need to feel good myself.

Living should be as easy as breathing, really.  But sometimes living in the moment is easier said than done. Even so, let's try to grab all these trying moments and make them into livable moments, "M days," as Mr. Elrick (my Community Environment Leadership Program teacher) once called them.  But mostly, I should be calm.

Calm... like I learned to be at Northern Sun.
Calm... like I am when I was on my trip to BC, when I thought I'd miss my bus.
Calm... like I was when I knew I could deal with everything that came my way- that nothing could really be that bad.
            I could make it work, I could make anything work, I once said. 

                       And now, here I am, yelling at the kids, constantly telling them to be quiet, to sit down, to put   their things away, to listen.  They're not listening, so there's something wrong here. There's something I'm not doing right.

I don't know if I can give these children that calm person I really like of myself. All I can do though, is my very best.  And some days are better than others.

Learning, learning, learning....

Wisdom comes with age, effectiveness with time.

How much time?  When will I understand all the things that I need to know! 
Teaching for only a few days makes me take a step back and see at least this much: I'm young and I need some years before I'll be a good teacher.

"They kind of through you in the deep end", a friend said.  I didn't really know it then, but now I see that yes, they really did.  But the sad thing is that they had no choice.

I hate that these kids are the 'testers', they're the kids that have different teachers every year- they've had substitutes for THREE years, I've heard.  It's not fair.  It's not right, but that's how it has turned out.  And when they get a teacher, often the school has so little to choose from that they pick mediocre (if that) teachers, sometimes without qualifications like myself and sometimes without much competency at all.  Yet, when they get good teachers, they're so disorganized that it's hard to even keep them!  People get sick of having to fight for every little thing, for waiting for this and that, and they get tired because they have to cover everyone else's tracks.  Like mine, because I'm young, I'm learning.  I want to do the best I can for these kids.  Oh goodness, do they deserve it.  They're really sweet kids, and I think they respect me, for the most part.  As a newbie though, I'm realizing that there's so much they need to learn that, honestly, I had no idea they needed to learn.  Like strategies to help them teach themselves so that 1) they can do work more independently and 2) They are occupied and 3) I have time to see the kids that need me the most!
What I often don't realize is that once isn't enough- that I need to give the same instructions over and over again. 

And I want to have time with each child to talk to them, understand them and learn more about them, so recess is a good start.  Otherwise, I've been asking them questions one-on-one.  It's funny, they can talk in full sentences when it's just them and myself but when it's the whole class, suddenly they're afraid to be wrong.

That's the problem, I think.  They're afraid that they'll make mistakes.  They don't even know it, but it's true.

So I just need to start simple, like Mike said, and take it slow.  And learn not to yell if I can help it. 

"If you can hear me clap once," I say, "if you can hear me, sit in your desk and listen with your ears" Sometimes I even find myself having to tell the kids to get out their pencil and start by writing their name on the paper.  "In Cree and in English," I say sometimes.  "I want to learn too!"

And that's exactly what I'm doing. Today's word of the day: doodooschnabwei  (milk) And when I can say the word correctly, they said "Agoda!" and they smile, just as I do when they understand something.  Well there's a good start.

First day!

I survived the whole first day!

Honestly, that's probably the easiest day and I am incredibly tired.  It's a demanding job, that's for sure.
I forgot how tiring it was to stand in front of a classroom for any amount of time. 

It's funny though, how I used to get so nervous in front of my peers- I'd get blotchy all over and sometimes feel myself stutter.  Today, I wasn't nervous, actually.  I just didn't plan enough material for the kids and when they were all done their work, I could tell they were starting to get a little antsy to do something else.


"Take their age and multiply by 2 and that's about how long they can focus," Mike said, "in between, do something to get them moving or get their attention and explain what they're doing again."


The kids were very respectful though.  When I told them to stop what they were doing in a firm tone they stopped (most of the time.)  The only time when it was challenging was when we were outside and all the other kids were around them.  I'm not a fan of yelling, so I found that moment a little challenging, but nothing to get stressed over.

Later, the kids would approach me constantly "Stacey, I'm finished! What do I do now?"  And I had nothing.
"okay, write a few sentences on what your drawing is... okay now... (last resort now)  go pick out a book from the shelf to read"



Oh boy, and I thought I planned too much!

So I was told I would get $22/hour.  "Awesome," I though, "$22/hour, 6 hours!"
Nope. Well, I don't get paid for lunch. I don't get paid for prep.  I only get money for the time I'm actually in class teaching. So today, 3 classes, maybe 3.5 hours?  And the bonus- I meant to ask about the $150 northern bonus, but I honestly forgot. That would make a big difference though.

Isn't that just great?  They make it seem like a lot...

Well, that's just how it works I guess. 

Funny, I'm doing all the same work as all the other teachers and they're probably making twice as much as I am.  Some fancy teaching qualifications have something to do with that, but it still kind of sucks a little.  Nothing against them, nothing against anyone, it's just life I guess. 
You don't get the big dollars for being nice.

Oh well. I'm not here for the money, and it's not like I have to support a family.  Honestly, I'd be making more cash money working 8 hrs/day at a minimum wage job.  It just makes things a little more difficult I suppose. 

And, as tiring as it is, this is a really awesome learning experience for me.  So I just have to keep telling myself that and continue to do my best!

So yeah, it's hard.  It's demanding.  This is completely insane of me to just jump into.  But I couldn't be happier that I did, because I feel I have a lot to offer and in the end, they'll have given me more than I could ever ask for.
..

Stacey Speers, 19 and teaching.

!@)(&#!@*)&

Stacey Speers is a substitute teacher.
Setting it all up for the teacher.  And if there's no teacher that shows?   Well, ???  I hope she decides to come! :S 

There's certainly no shortage of need for substitutes though.

Now, the battle will just be to get paid (especially for the time it takes to set up and what not)
wish me luck!

One Day you Will. Here's the day.

Okay. So this is ridiculous and probably impossible o keep up with- a third post?  How can so much happen and a person have time to do this three times in one day? 

Good question.

But I wanted to make some more additions!
Went to the talent show which, as per usual, started late (conveniently enough for me, since I was at the Katimavik house for a while, and being late meeting up with friends turned out to be a good thing after all.)
In Chisasibi, I learned that honestly, it always works out in the end.
Often you might find yourself disappointed if you go in with certain expectations- like that the sound system is going to work swimmingly and the performers are all going to be amazing.  They make mistakes on stage, but few really mind. The show goes on, and no one really worries much about it!  Nothing's perfect here. And they don't hide really hide it.  "I'm fat," said one of the performers today, "but I'm proud of it, I'm proud of who I am."  The statement was followed by a very good performance of Beautiful by Christina Aiguleira

I also feel compelled to express my gratitude for the poetry performance by a Katimavik participant in the new group.  I got to hear her poetry twice, and felt much more connected to her feeling the second time.  "That's guts," as Chris put it.  She spoke of leaving home, finding her wings to fly in an isolated place.  She mentioned that her father's love would always live even if his physical life would not.  At that part, I nearly cried.  Poetry is gutsy.  Telling an audience of so many - the seats at the arena were more than full- that your father took his own life is another thing.  She said she blames "the white man for not knowing my own language," among other things. I don't think I understood well enough what the importance of their culture is here, until she expressed how liberating she feels being in an isolated community, where she feels she fits in and she can show her "indian" pride. 
Her words were well thought-out, well expressed and really made the jabs where they needed to be. 'hugging the bottle like the indian stereotype' (that's not the exact quotation)  But I honestly felt inspired by her courage because she expressed so much truth and pain, ending with a strong sense of hope to "learn from my mother's mistakes."  I really respect this young woman for her performance, and honestly, feel even more compelled than I was before to someday express some poetry myself.  One day, I'm sure I will.  Or maybe more days, I hope!

Hmm. makes me think of a poster Chris put up when we were at that house back in January. "One day you will," it read.

And if you just believe it, it'll all work out for the best in the end.  You just have to believe.
"If you really want something," I remember Chris saying, "It'll come to you."  That was the night I found that beautiful goose painting I had eyed for a moment from the hands of a woman who lost her father, brother or whatever relation they had.  She lost her loved one and I, a stranger was given more than just that physical gift, but the gift of believing.

Changes with the seasons!

Yes. I already blogged today and my friends are waiting for me at the arena, but I have to get this out. 

I'm so happy to be here. 

Oh man, seeing Chris at the Katimavik house was so wonderful.  The children on the street that recognized me, one who's class I was with for one day.  (The crazy kindergarten class who's teacher didn't show up.)  I wished I could speak Cree with this kid, not just today, but I remember the day when he was trying to communicate what another child, Haven was his name, did to him to make him react a certain way.  "I know," I remember saying, " I saw." I remembered his name too- like Xavier Rudd. Without the Rudd... And the little girl riding around on her bike, who was at the pow wow and I saw her a few other times.

A girl with a native background recited a poem at the Katima-house dinner too.  She mentioned living in a big city, not being so great, and that here, the culture is so strong. It was so wonderful to hear some poetry from a youth.  I honestly, wish I knew how to inspire others to do the same, but honestly, I've never even written a poetry slam myself.  Nor have I been around that culture enough to feel able to do so.  I hope I get to hear more from her later.

And it's so nice to see the change of seasons in Chisasibi. There's still piles.  Of sand and dirt now.  (I dont know if you remember the picture with us in our t-shirts, holding our mitten-covered fingers in the air...  well the piles made me think of that.)
I love the beautiful purple flowers, I'll have to find out what they're called and more about them soon.  The buttercups, the lone wild strawberry I picked and ate on the way here (shhh! Don't tell anyone, but it was delicious!)  The vibrant red berries and leaves, and a little grass here and there. 
And the children, they're running around, laughing, saying things in Cree, making their parents smile.
Then I go to meet my friends at the talent show, and she's not there.  So I  ask to enter without paying to find her, and they let me in.  "Mary Monger? They say.  Oh yes, I know her!  No, I haven't seen her."


To see all these kids, remember their names and moments I had with them, to go back to the Katimavik house, see all that they're doing, it just makes me so excited.

There's no way I'll be bored.  This is where I want to be now.

I said it before, and I'll say it again: I love Chisasibi.  For all her beauty, for all her potential. 

Oh yes, and there's SO much going on!  Oh geez, Chris told me everything that's been going on while this group has been here, inviting me to all kinds of stuff and it's really quite exciting! 

Honestly, I have something really quite rare.  I have what most teachers don't have:  all of what Chisasibi offers right at my feet. 
So soon enough, after some effort, it'll be my turn to do everything I can to give back to the place I fell in love with only months away. "Oh man, it feels like so long ago," I said two Chris.  "That was two months ago," he says. 
So much going on!

So yes, all is well ;) And I won't be bored.  (Like I get bored...)