So the power went out for a week!
And last night I went to a sweat- FINALLY! Yay! It was really interesting this time, having gone alone.
In my time off from school, I've been relieved to have had time to think a little about Christmas, to think about what I've done here, what has been doing to me! (Yeah I know it sounds awkward, but all the things around me that have changed me a little.)Monday, I even made a collage with some brochures of Northern Quebec. It turned out pretty nice, but I realized that there's a lot I never saw here. Like Caribou. I still have yet to see a single one... And I really didn't spend much of my time outside, connecting with nature like I hoped I would. Nor did I learn much of the language. But I was really busy the whole time I was here. Teaching, doing action programs, and constantly socializing, really. And that's not all bad. I learned a lot from that! And I'm a really social person after all.
I also realized that there's a lot I did experience, some of it not represented in pictures of native traditional crafts and nature, but in being aware of my own openness, often getting others to open up a little more to me.
I said to someone yesterday- I really appreciated my experience, especially upon my return because I felt that was when the shift of 'mememe' really came about. For most people, I said, "it comes much later." And it's true. I've learned to fend for myself, to ask for things when I need them and sometimes even when I want them.
"I hate asking for things," I said to Mike, "I don't know why, it's just..."
"You don't like mooching, you said."
"Yeah, true," I said.
"You just have to learn to differentiate upon what is a reasonable request and what isn't. That comes in good time."
Mike's good with giving wise words once in a while. I like Mike. I think I love him... (inside joke.) - and he's like an older brother.
The thing is here, I've made lots of friends and even some, what feel like family. I've made some really close connections and I'll be sad to leave, for sure, but really happy to go, and to have this as a part of my life. It's been a real, pardon me for the cliche, but, life-changing experience. I've seen so much here, and I've really grown up. Now, as much as I can detest it at times, I'm an adult, and I can take care of myself. But here, I learned not just to take care of myself, but others too. To provide support for those who do for me, and to be present in the classroom at the same time. Gosh, I did a lot. I can't believe what I've accomplished here. It's incredible. And life's only going to get better.
On top of that, I was singing in the shower yesterday, the song Do you Remember by Jack Johnson. I replaced the lyrics with things from my own current relationship. Only, for us it hasn't been ten years, but half of a year. I really think that in no time, it will have been ten years and I'll be singing the same song in the shower. Only by then, I'll probably be bathing a 2 or 3-year-old at the same time, while the other one cleans their room and I'm trying to relax myself since we're getting ready to take them to their grandparents' place so my sweetheart and I can have some time together to celebrate. Yes, I'm talking about future, and I told myself not to do that but now it's been long enough and I know what I feel enough to say that it's worth the anticipation. Needless to say, I feel confident Sam and I are in it for the long run and I really do love him- and I have reason to!
Now, for the nitty gritty details of the sweat!
So FINALLY, after many attempts, I got to go to a sweat! I had to make it happen. I had to ask rather than simply wait for an invitation. That's exactly what that sweat taught me, though. I knew this before, but particularly the Cree here, they won't inform you of anything unless you ask. The reason is because if you don't ask, they don't know you're interested. You have to ask lots of questions, and you need to learn to ask the right questions too. Naturally, I'm shy in new situations, so I do what I can to break through that, but I don't always break through completely right away. It takes time for me to get comfortable.
It was funny when I went into the sweat. There were a lot more people in there than I'd ever seen before, I'm not really sure why. Someone calls a sweat for whatever reason and people come and pray for themselves and their family, friends, whatever... It's healing for all who enter.
Anyway, back to me entering the sweat... I walk in, crouched under, and saw a different man directing the sweat. He looked like he was going to say something, so I paused. "You a rookie?" he says.
"Uhh, no, I was here before with Katimavik," I said.
"You okay?"
"Yes," I said. I laughed.
Later, he asked me questions so everyone inside could here. Few sat on the outside, I should add-usually there are a whole bunch of people that come and just sit outside the sweat in the tent. It was a particularly special sweat for some reason. And the man who directed it isn't from Chisasibi. I feel like I've seen him before though.
This sweat was much better than most other sweats I've been to. I think I picked a good one to go to, that's for sure. It was more musical, and I could feel more general healing. Not just when the door was closed, but when we all laughed together about all kinds of things. You see, the Cree have this uncanny ability to make a joke out of everything. I could never understand how they did it, but they're really good at it. Laughter always helps to heal the soul.
There were more rattles, one with an eagle's claw. That's an eagle's claw, not eagle's foot... (I made the mistake of asking if it was an eagle's foot- "Isn't English your first language," he said. Of course I just laughed along.) I noticed the structure more this time though. I'm pretty sure there's a feather in the roof of the sweat, and the blankets, I noticed, were actually not black!
But what I noticed, more than anything, is that for the Cree, laughing doesn't make things any less official. It just makes things lighter, and speaking more openly about heavy things lightheartedly and laughing about it is how they seem to deal with it. "I was in prison for 9 months when I was 18," a man said, "it's no fun for an 18-year-old." I don't remember the exact words he said following that, but something around the lines of ' Then I went to find a girl that never waited' and later, he mentioned a conversation with an elder. He said that she said "What do you men think we do when you're away [out in the bush, for example]? You think we just wait around?" I guess it's all about delivery because when he said that, everyone was laughing. They have a completely different sense of humour, that's for sure. Waaaah! and that weird thing they do instead of saying "not!" it's a "hyenhhhh" from the back of the throat with the head back, mouth wide open and followed with a goofy smile.
I tried describing it before, but I think I get it more or less now. It's really special. :)
There's a lot about this place that I think will always be in my heart but it's time for me to move on. I'll carry it with me forever, but Chisasibi, my time to go is coming soon. "Will you be back," many ask. "Maybe," I say.
