I walk through a garden of flowers, smelling of sugar snaps, beautiful swirls climbing the fence in bean-form, and my favourite flower- I can't even remember the name- but all of this is right in front of me. I just can't see it right now.
Lately, I haven't been dreaming those happy dreams. I haven't been escaping the reality I don't want to see in my dreams. Instead, like many, my brain takes me deeper into what I see every day.
My brother takes out a clothing tag with the Underarmour symbol from his skin. In my dream, he was in an accident, but in reality, it was Hollie that was in an accident. The dream makes no sense logically, but I know what to take of it- I miss him. My brother, of all people. The one I never used to talk to? Well, he's always been important to me, whether he knows it or not, and I can feel our bond growing.
In another, a child in my class lets a bee free. I, unafraid of it's power deal with it and get stung. I don't remember what happened to me following the sting, but I think I forget what power I'm dealing with sometimes with these kids.
I'm in a dark place now, in my mind. But I can see the light. The students in the high school are a tough crowd, and I've been very aware of this from the very beginning. I won't get through to all of them, but I get the feeling that some, more than I think, are understanding more than it appears. And the ones I least expect are sometimes the ones that are the most interested.
"You're just a sub," a student said. "Yes, I'm a sub, and no, I don't get paid any more if you learn this or not. But I care. I'm here to share what I have. Take it or leave it," I said.
"I'm not here for a paycheque. I'm here because I feel like I have something to share," I said to the students.
"Who are you?" A student asked.
I don't know why, but the questions resonated in my head. "Who are you?" I didn't know how to answer that, so I said "uh, I'm Stacey, uh I'm from Guelph and I was here before with Katimavik and I came back"
but I should've just said 'I am what I've been showing you from the beginning, but you're so used to not being cared about that you're ignoring what I have to give.'
I've realized lately that intention makes the world of a difference. And the ones who understand this much respect me a whole lot more than I'm sure some people have given them. Those students are the ones that have brought my spirits a whole lot higher.
Remember to live... Remember to love! Oh yes, it's so corny, but It's the best life advice I can give and show.
My mind is often in a dark place and I'm honestly exhausted because I put so much into the work I do. But the light isn't so far away. I'm giving and even though there are moments I feel it's not working, I'm getting more than it appears. They're more receptive than it seems, I'm sure of it.
"I'm no smarter than you," I said. What I lack in age I make up for in experience and thus wisdom. So I'm hoping that my positive attitude can reach a few more.
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