Solo camping, for instance. Logically, I think - why don't I ever do this when I think of it so often? For some reason, being alone in the woods is something that seems so overwhelming because it's unfamiliar territory, quiet and a confrontation of the worst.. our selves.
The expression 'being afraid of your own shadow', is interesting to me, because what I'm learning is that the scariest thing of all is, in fact, my own shadow. My own silence.
In my early adulthood, I've learned to notice when I am intimidated by a certain experience and analyze why I'm intimidated and know what it is that I fear. Once I learn what it is that I fear, I wonder if this fear is useful to me. If it isn't, this is more reason to take on this experience to seek out personal growth. I suppose this is why a friend of mine told me she thought I was brave.
"Maybe," "I said, "but the truth is, in everything I've ever done, I have never had to take risks I wouldn't be able to deal with. And it's not that I'm not scared. It's just that I prefer to face the fears that don't serve me."
Speaking in front of a crowd, for example. In the past, I was terrified. I knew there was no logical risk in doing so and yet, every time I did do I would rouge all over my chest and my face, stumble on my words, and I'd be shaking. Then I became a teacher and the thought of speaking in front of others did not become so daunting.
Now, my fear is being alone. Taking care of myself. "Courage..."
The thought of sitting still for 10 days straight, for example, scares me has always made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Whenever I am alone, with no tasks at hand, I become anxious. I find solace in unhealthy behaviour like seeking company in Facebook or eating for the sake of eating. Why is it so hard for me to be still in my own thoughts?
I have no complaints about my life and I can't quite answer why yet, but the best solution is to find comfort in being alone. In my youthful experience, none of my experiences have been traumatic, I've had very few significant losses, and yet, the tiniest stress, like deciding what I'm going to do with my time causes anxiety that drives me to do things I know are not healthy.
And yet, here I am, fearful of the presence of my own shadow. What if I make the wrong decision?
Nothing is permanent though... and all things that can occur can only result in personal growth.
Growing up, I always found comfort in being around others, I always had somewhere, someone to run to for comfort.
I don't know where this fear of being alone or making the wrong choice by myself came, but I do know that the only way to overcome it is to get used to it. To face my fears.
So yes, I suppose you could say that I am driven by my own fears.
Hawaii was a great introduction to finding comfort in being alone. I learned that often, it requires less energy to please only me than it does to please others. I found that I actually really enjoy being in the woods alone, and doing various activities by myself is very satisfying. I found peace in the presence of myself in the forest or the ocean.
I embarked on a particular journey that most would find far more daunting than I even considered.
I had been meaning to go to Iao Valley for quite some time. Several times, I ended up going other places and once I drove up the road, only to find that it was far too rainy in the valley to have a nice leisurely walk. This time, however, I hitch hiked with my pack, thinking I could sleep there if I had to or wanted to- I just didn't want to worry about hitching in the dark.
Perfectly logical right?
A boy asked me as I was hiking up the concrete pavement toward the trail "Are you sleeping here? That would be AWESOME!"
I honestly said "Oh, I don't know, probably not..." Thinking I'd probably have time to hitch hike back without worry.
My decision began to waiver as I walked the trail. I took a nice detour, discovering a gorgeous lookout and sat and sang there for about 20 minutes. Singing seems to somehow detoxify me of all worry in a way I really can't explain. As I took a big breath of air, this was another occasion in Hawaii where I thought: "I could die here..." And not in a fearful or negative way. Death, as in a feeling of ultimate peace. I don't see death as a negative experience, generally.
I walked further down the trail and saw prints of wild boar. At this time, I was further along the trail and I hadn't seen any people in a while. My heart began to beat faster and I became more aware of my surroundings as I walked slower and listened for any movement around me. Not far from there, I stopped and sat down to calm my nerves. I texted a friend to ask what to do if I saw wild boar. He didn't answer, but as I was sitting, someone walked by me to ask if I was alright. "yeah, I'm totally fine, but do you know what to do if you encounter wild boar? I think I saw tracks."
In a typical Hawaiian fashion, he said "don't worry about it."
Later, my friend responded to my text telling me that i would pee my pants if I saw wild boar. Glad I didn't get that text in time...
So, with the reassurance of this man, I continued to walk the trail until I came to a beautiful outlook of the vast valley. I meditated for about 5 minutes before I got a little anxious about losing daylight. I thought about walking further, but thought if I was going to make it back home before dark, I had best be going. On the way back, I went to find a place to pee. In doing so, I found a perfect place to camp. It was not visible from the trail, easy enough for me to find with a natural marker, level and perfectly clear so that I wasn't killing any vegetation. I took it as a sign that I was invited to stay.
So I happily set up my tent and took a book down to the river to read and to collect water. (I don't generally recommend drinking unfiltered water, but freshwater from the mountains if often the cleanest water you'll find.)
My mini trek to the river was just so exciting and exhilarating. I was just in awe of the forest, of the water and of myself. I felt that I was exactly in the right place, at the right time. I was about to spend my first solo camping night in the Iao Valley of Maui.
And I had no idea, even then, what I was doing...
Back to my tent, I lay myself to rest maybe ten minutes before it started to pour rain. Ahhh, the comforting sound of rain at night when you're sheltered. I smiled some more... At some point in the night, I heard what I thought was some bustling in the forest. "It's just the rain," I thought... "or mongoose?" Then I thought of the boar prints. S#!$! Was it wild boar? No, that's not likely... So I put my head back to sleep.
A few minutes later I heard voices that sounded like minions fro Despicable me. I honestly wasn't even moderately frightened by this sound. "I must be dreaming," I thought to myself, "or it's mongoose." And I put my head back down to sleep. The next day I listened to mongoose on a youtube video. It definitely wasn't mongoose.
Later, I learned that Iao Valley is, as I felt, a very spirited place. There have been many wars in this valley, one where Hawaii was taken over. Another legend stated that there were so many deaths in this war, that the river was turned red. I was camping in what many would consider a haunted forest.
I wanted to be as respectful as possible when I was there, so I do recall unconsciously asking the forest if it was okay for me to stay. I left no trace, as always when camping, but in every moment I was there, I felt humbled by it's beauty and grace. And for whatever reason, the forest accepted my presence.
The rain stopped in the morning when it was time for me to leave, and finding a ride back to town didn't feel like a daunting task at all. I would have stayed longer, but since my gear was wet, I thought it would be best to go back to my place on the dry side of the island to let it dry. The trails were just too wet to venture too far.
I told my story to a neighbour friend and she was dumfounded. "Menehune, you must have heard the menehune," she said. "the little forest soldiers."
If I had known what I know now, I would have been so scared.
But I didn't. And I'm thankful I've had this beautiful unique experience that makes me feel so directly accepted by the earth.
I've never felt so at peace or calm as I did in those humbling moments singing "Colours of the wind" or dipping my feet in the cold water from the mountain. I've never felt so happy being alone as I did that day in Iao Valley. In a house, however, I have a very hard time being alone.
To live in peace among others, we must first learn to trust ourselves. To trust ourselves, we must be aware of what limitations we set for ourselves and what we want to keep ourselves from or open ourselves to. And so, to find peace in myself, to break barriers that create needless limitations, I feel I am driven by my own fears.
I have no pictures that I took of Iao Valley (ipod ran out of memory.) I decided this was an experience I could capture with my mind and my words.
So here's a picture that I have a postcard of...
Credit: http://galleryhip.com/iao-valley-state-park.html
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