Well, this is exactly what I have become so good at as of late.
Right when I was feeling most settled, my view of my life in Winnipeg turned right around is so little time.
I was just getting home from the Yukon, things were so bright, and I was getting used to my life. Then, in months' time, I realized that there was something that wasn't quite right. I did everything I could to stay active, busy, healthy and to help my partner in any way I could.
Then there came a day when I felt angry with him for something so small.
That's when I realized what it was- I wasn't satisfied with the limitations of being in a relationship at this time in my life. There was no "one," he was my soulmate for the time I needed him to be. It wasn't that it "didn't work out," it was simply that our growth together had reached it's plateau and we were no longer learning what we needed to from each other. And so, we decided it was our time to part ways.
So I embarked on a new journey. This was shortly before Christmas, then I had exams. I found a lot of social outlets, kept myself busy, even doing hot yoga on a daily basis. I was handling it as best as I could and we remained on positive terms. It was truly the best possible separation as it was mutual and everything.
But when one leaves the comfort of what they know, there are always insecurities that follow.
Will I still be out camping like I've loved doing since we were together?
Will I ever learn to hunt and fish so get my own meat?
How can I continue to get outdoors if I don't have a car or a partner to go with?
Will I ever have homemade mayonnaise?????? HAHA! He loved his home made mayonnaise...
How can I get by as cheaply as possible on food?
Well, it's a process to unlearn habits, create new thought patterns and create a life for oneself. We were always quite independent and I made an effort to try to learn all the things I could from him as we went so that I could do these things for myself.
But when you're in a relationship, no matter how independent you are, the connection that binds you with another person is never easy to come over. Logically, I knew marriage was unreasonable as one's needs change in different times of their lives, and you don't know if a person will suit your needs the same way in another time- marriage is just a way of telling yourself you're comfortable and safe. (Even though divorce is always a possibility...) It's kind of a lie people tell themselves to make themselves feel like being invested in someone is worthy of their time. The truth is, we don't know if a person will be in our lives 10 years from now because people change. Needs, thoughts, habits change. Naturally.
Nonetheless, he and I grew together and we had habits together. I saw my life with him. Travel, a house, children... But he was never really interested in the things I wanted. Cultural travel, learning languages, breaking barriers, working with nature and people in new places... it never appealed to him. I always knew I'd have to leave him to pursue these dreams one day, but I really loved him, so I thought I could make it work.
So the whole thing made me reevaluate my life in Winnipeg. I found so much support in my community. My friends, my family, his family, my school, yoga- they were all so encouraging. Quickly I became interested in other men, in new activities (acro!) and, of course... TRAVEL. Well, Norway was on my mind first and foremost, but this is a trip that will require more planning as it costs a lot to get there- as anywhere across the ocean. Or so I thought....
Then a friend spoke to me about Maui, Hawaii.
Ohhh, I have to finish school, I said. Maybe I'll come for a bit. I was talking to a friend about a few things, what I wanted in life and what I felt I was lacking.
Self confidence was what I missed the most since he left. He didn't take it from me, but the security of his presence and financial contributions was very comfortable. I had no idea how I could make it work when he left. But then I realized, I had no house, no car- nothing to worry about if I left. I had enough money (not much) that I could take time off and explore. So when a friend offered me a place to stay in Hawaii, it was an offer I simply couldn't refuse.
"Courage," reads the tattoo of an old friend I reconnected with. In French, it means "take care," as well as being brave and determined. Courage is what I was seeking: the ability to be confident enough to take care of myself and to adapt in new situations.
And so, I embark on another journey to become more of the person I've always longed to be.
 |
| The wild woman I always wanted to be. Playing harmonica with the waves and the whales at Hookipa lookout! |
 |
| The woman that called me to come to Maui. I never would have thought of it if it weren't for her! |
No comments:
Post a Comment