"Home is Wherever I'm with you"

I'm in GTOWN!

The title is from a song I heard when I was in Katimavik.  It's by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes.
Also, a certain special someone (guess who!)  said this to me and I thought it was so sweet because it was straight from the heart.

Well, it was funny at first to leave.  " What did I miss..." I found myself thinking.
The first thing that came to mind was, surprisingly The Dollar Store just because I remembered buying tissue paper for $4.  Otherwise though, I honestly couldn't think of anything I really missed other than my friends and family.  I guess I was so busy it really didn't matter that there was no Tim Horton's (Not on every corner like Guelph!)  Or like 4 pharmacies within 2 km of my house, or options for different restaurants.  All those luxuries, I honestly didn't miss them that much.  And seeing the road is just weird!

I love the winter in Chisasibi!  It's gorgeous and I wouldn't change a single thing about it.  I would just learn to drive better on the icy roads since I suck...
Once I was having lunch at the mitchuap with Judy and a little girl came up to me and said "hey, I saw you the other day!  You were in a red car and my dad almost hit you!"
I slipped at a stop sign and she was in the truck behind me and I guess he was trying to turn or something, but I ended up in a pile of snow but there was no damage other than a red face of embarrassment then and when she brought it up since it was Judy's car.  Needless to say, my driving definitely needs improvement...

Sam came here a day after I arrived!  It was a longer drive than I thought- 26-28 hours! @#E&Q#^$(  holay molayyy!  But it's been so incredible being with him, introducing where I came from, all the awesome and less than awesome things about my sometimes awesome family. (overuse of the word awesome noted.)

But don't you awesome people forget to keep following my awesome blog! (okay, okay I got it!  enough awesome...)
Because I'll keep updating, just, now it'll probably be either more of my thoughts and theories on life and love and less about events that happen in my life (since I feel I've had quite a bit of excitement this year, not that it'll be much less excitement since I'm moving to a new city that's BIG and I'll be on a job hunt... :O boring...)  Also, now that I've gotten a little life experience here, there and a little bit of everywhere, I have some knowledge to base my theories (for the most part.)

So keep reading!
And hopefully I'll post some pictures eventually (maybe- no promises.)

Last Day in 'Sasibi

I'd definitely say I've never felt more appreciated by a whole community than I did today. 
I think that's what I came back for.  That feeling that I've really accomplished something, that I've stepped out of the box of conventional options for 'what to do next' and done something that few have ever done before.  And boy, did people ever make me feel like everything I went through, everything I saw and every moment of my time here in Chisasibi was well worth it. 

So I did some running around today so I could see all my friends before I go.  Yesterday, I was looking at my to do list and I said "I feel a little overwhelmed" to Mike.  He told me to prioritize and if I dont finish everything, not to worry.  Well, I was determined to complete this To-do list today and you know what, I did! My to do list consisted of visits and easy things like going to the band council and bank so it wasn't that difficult or unfun, so I'm not sure why I ever felt overwhelmed.  I guess a few things came up- Judy wanted me to look after the kids, for example, but I had no reason to fret.  I just hadn't thought how I'd make it all work out. 

Anyway, I delivered some Christmas cards (I think I even missed a bunch of important people to be honest :S)  But they all found their way to the people! :)

So my day starts off really nicely- I got a pretty paycheque for all the time they missed. :D
Then, another one from the band office for the action program :) 
So then I went back to the school later just to buy mittens (because I'd seen them before. and decided it was probably my last chance to get the mittens I want!)  They said James Bay Eeyou School on them.  Well, I got to the office and they were gone!  Rosalind told me to go see Susan in her class.  So when I got there, she had the mittens and I gave her all the money I had! (they were a little more expensive than I thought they'd be but that's alright.)  I was pretty happy with them, but I mentioned that I would have preferred the logo and just by chance, Margaret came in with a pair with the logo, saying "ohh I'll buy them after the holidays." 
I was sooo excited!  "NO WAY!" I said. 
Again, if you want something badly enough, it'll come to you.  Thanks Chisasibi. :)
Then, I went back to the office and was asked to sign a card for a friend.  Well, I put it on Rosalind's desk and I see another card.  "Ooh!  this is a nice picture!  Is this another one I should sign?" I opened it and I see my name.  Whoops!  Oh man, I laughed so hard! 
Then I went to visit my friend to wish them well and I came back to the office.  "Can I have my card now so I can go?" 
"Rita has to sign it!"  She said.


Rita is one of the principals who mentioned yesterday that she really appreciated my work at JBES, and that I'll really be missed there.  It meant a lot coming from her because she always seems to be in a hurry at school.  She just talks so fast and she seems so efficient that I don't always comprehend everything she's saying, and sometimes I was even a little less apt to approach her because she's that way. I understand though.  Anyway, it meant a lot to me that she told me this, and I really felt it was sincere.

Well, I waited around for a bit, saw some friends that came by the office, got sneak-hug-attacked by Chris :)  (glad I saw him) and said goodbye to a few others :)  So, then Rita made an announcement for all the secondary students and teachers to go to the agora for an assembly. Well, there weren't very many people there, but all the teachers came and Rita put her hand over my eyes and guided me there.  I thought she was just pulling my leg, that it was just a chance for her to communicate what's happening next week, but everybody just made a little circle and Judy D. started right away with "We just wanted to thank Stacey for all her contributions at the school...."  I couldn't believe it. I thought I was dreaming! 
She gave me a card with a gift in it.  It didn't matter what it was, the fact that they did this much for me meant a lot, and the support I had in this community-it's enough to make my departure a bit more bitter.

It's a really good feeling to leave a place feeling missed. 

A bunch of people signed the card and the gift was a hair piece - one I was actually going to buy!  And a beautiful pair of earrings that match.  Man, I was crying sooo much!  It was a little embarrassing, but I made light of it!  Then I proceeded to say "Thanks so much guys, and honestly, I really felt this is such an important place for me, because I really felt like I grew up a lot here... it was really the time when my perspective shifted from just myself to the realization that others are around me, which usually comes much later in life."  (maybe not word for word, but that's along the lines of what I said.)
I was just so touched by the fact that they'd gone out of their way to show their appreciation for me and I got a lot of hugs and handshakes from people I barely even got to know! Every one of them seemed to sincerely  appreciate my presence, and I feel truly, deeply gratified for it.

Then, I went home to Judy's.  (I corrected myself when I said "home" on the phone with Judy and she said "no, home." And I could feel her smiling)  Wes made the pizza and fries and I made a weird salad (as usual) that the kids didn't feel like eating haha.   Well, I got to have a mini-dance party with the munchkins, and Wes even posed for a few pictures with us! (I gotta post those!)



But honestly, I've never, ever felt more appreciated in my life.
And that's why I loved it here so much.
I'm onto the next chapter of my life though.  So here goes, to being a little fish in a big pond again, starting elsewhere anew.
I know I'll be okay, but starting anew at any time is hard, especially when you feel like you've built something really beautiful into people's memories.
Maybe I'll visit in the summer- Mamweedow, I said. 
"We'll see where life takes me..."

Sweat, Collage and more...

So the power went out for a week!
And last night I went to a sweat- FINALLY! Yay!  It was really interesting this time, having gone alone.

In my time off from school, I've been relieved to have had time to think a little about Christmas, to think about what I've done here, what has been doing to me!  (Yeah I know it sounds awkward, but all the things around me that have changed me a little.)Monday, I even made a collage with some brochures of Northern Quebec.  It turned out pretty nice, but I realized that there's a lot I never saw here.  Like Caribou.  I still have yet to see a single one... And I really didn't spend much of my time outside, connecting with nature like I hoped I would.  Nor did I learn much of the language. But I was really busy the whole time I was here.  Teaching, doing action programs, and constantly socializing, really.  And that's not all bad.  I learned a lot from that! And I'm a really social person after all.
I also realized that there's a lot I did experience, some of it not represented in pictures of native traditional crafts and nature, but in being aware of my own openness, often getting others to open up a little more to me.

I said to someone yesterday- I really appreciated my experience, especially upon my return because I felt that was when the shift of 'mememe' really came about.  For most people, I said, "it comes much later."  And it's true.  I've learned to fend for myself, to ask for things when I need them and sometimes even when I want them. 
"I hate asking for things," I said to Mike, "I don't know why, it's just..."
"You don't like mooching, you said."
"Yeah, true," I said.
"You just have to learn to differentiate upon what is a reasonable request and what isn't. That comes in good time." 

Mike's good with giving wise words once in a while.  I like Mike.  I think I love him... (inside joke.)  - and he's like an older brother. 

The thing is here, I've made lots of friends and even some, what feel like family.  I've made some really close connections and I'll be sad to leave, for sure, but really happy to go, and to have this as a part of my life.  It's been a real, pardon me for the cliche, but, life-changing experience.  I've seen so much here, and I've really grown up.  Now, as much as I can detest it at times, I'm an adult, and I can take care of myself.  But here, I learned not just to take care of myself, but others too.  To provide support for those who do for me, and to be present in the classroom at the same time.  Gosh, I did a lot.  I can't believe what I've accomplished here.  It's incredible.  And life's only going to get better. 

On top of that, I was singing in the shower yesterday, the song Do you Remember by Jack Johnson. I replaced the lyrics with things from my own current relationship.  Only, for us it hasn't been ten years, but half of a year.  I really think that in no time, it will have been ten years and I'll be singing the same song in the shower.  Only by then, I'll probably be bathing a 2 or 3-year-old at the same time, while the other one cleans their room and I'm trying to relax myself since we're getting ready to take them to their grandparents' place so my sweetheart and I can have some time together to celebrate.  Yes, I'm talking about future, and I told myself not to do that but now it's been long enough and I know what I feel enough to say that it's worth the anticipation.  Needless to say, I feel confident Sam and I are in it for the long run and I really do love him- and I have reason to!

Now, for the nitty gritty details of the sweat! 
So FINALLY, after many attempts, I got to go to a sweat!  I had to make it happen.  I had to ask rather than simply wait for an invitation.  That's exactly what that sweat taught me, though.  I knew this before, but particularly the Cree here, they won't inform you of anything unless you ask.  The reason is because if you don't ask, they don't know you're interested.  You have to ask lots of questions, and you need to learn to ask the right questions too.  Naturally, I'm shy in new situations, so I do what I can to break through that, but I don't always break through completely right away. It takes time for me to get comfortable. 

It was funny when I went into the sweat.  There were a lot more people in there than I'd ever seen before, I'm not really sure why.  Someone calls a sweat for whatever reason and people come and pray for themselves and their family, friends, whatever... It's healing for all who enter. 
Anyway, back to me entering the sweat... I walk in, crouched under, and saw a different man directing the sweat.  He looked like he was going to say something, so I paused.  "You a rookie?" he says. 
"Uhh, no, I was here before with Katimavik," I said.  
"You okay?"
"Yes," I said. I laughed. 
Later, he asked me questions so everyone inside could here.  Few sat on the outside, I should add-usually there are a whole bunch of people that come and just sit outside the sweat in the tent.  It was a particularly special sweat for some reason.  And the man who directed it isn't from Chisasibi.  I feel like I've seen him before though. 
This sweat was much better than most other sweats I've been to.  I think I picked a good one to go to, that's for sure.  It was more musical, and I could feel more general healing.  Not just when the door was closed, but when we all laughed together about all kinds of things.  You see, the Cree have this uncanny ability to make a joke out of everything.  I could never understand how they did it, but they're really good at it.  Laughter always helps to heal the soul.
There were more rattles, one with an eagle's claw.  That's an eagle's claw, not eagle's foot... (I made the mistake of asking if it was an eagle's foot- "Isn't English your first language," he said. Of course I just laughed along.)  I noticed the structure more this time though.  I'm pretty sure there's a feather in the roof of the sweat, and the blankets, I noticed, were actually not black! 
But what I noticed, more than anything, is that for the Cree, laughing doesn't make things any less official.  It just makes things lighter, and speaking more openly about heavy things lightheartedly and laughing about it is how they seem to deal with it.  "I was in prison for 9 months when I was 18," a man said, "it's no fun for an 18-year-old." I don't remember the exact words he said following that, but something around the lines of ' Then I went to find a girl that never waited' and later, he mentioned a conversation with an elder.  He said that she said "What do you men think we do when you're away [out in the bush, for example]?  You think we just wait around?"  I guess it's all about delivery because when he said that, everyone was laughing. They have a completely different sense of humour, that's for sure.  Waaaah!  and that weird thing they do instead of saying "not!"  it's a "hyenhhhh" from the back of the throat with the head back, mouth wide open and followed with a goofy smile. 
I tried describing it before, but I think I get it more or less now. It's really special. :)

There's a lot about this place that I think will always be in my heart but it's time for me to move on.  I'll carry it with me forever,  but Chisasibi, my time to go is coming soon.  "Will you be back," many ask.  "Maybe," I say.

Picture! Meant to upload more but internet is too slow.

Cross-eyed human: me.  Left pup, Jamal (the big basketball player... not!) and Mojo, the monster (or so he seems)
I was dog sitting and this is the best picture I've taken in a long time! :P

aShmaaaaaa! Home soooooooon

So, I've been at Judy's place for about two weeks now and I honestly really feel blessed to have had my experience here.  They're quite the family!  And really something very special.aShmaaa!  It's a word only in their family that's just like commentary for 'cute!' the Cree often say "anjaba" and in Waskaganish, I think it is, they say "Anjabwe!"

So I have less than two more weeks.  I'll be really sad to leave this community because I may or may not come back (I really don't know)  But I've never been more excited to go home.

Mom, I miss her soooo much!  I just want to hug her and apologize again and again for how hard I've always been on her.  I feel like I've changed a lot, and that my life isn't just valuable for me, but for family too.  I still think of myself to be free to go where I please, but now, I see that love is what will always give me home and comfort.
And my SamSam- I miss him sooooo much! My puppies, my dad, my brother, sister, my friends, a place I can really call "home."  I've spent a year now, constantly adapting and readapting and believe me, I've grown up a lot, but I'm so ready to be with my family again. 

The only thing I'm feeling a little apprehensive about is my move to Winnipeg.  I'm afraid I might have difficulty finding a job, that I'll feel alone in a big town (I have friends there though, and I'll be living with Sam, which makes the WORLD of a difference, of course.)  The other thing is, I still feel an attachment to Guelph, to tell the truth. I follow a few blogs about Guelph and I get stuff on facebook telling when the poetry slams are.  But once again, I'm going to have to start somewhere anew, and I'm feeling a little tired of that.  I'm sure I'll feel better when I see my family at the farm though.  It's just the city...  It's artistic, cultural and there's a lot going on, but it's a big city and right now, I'm finding that somewhat intimidating.  I'm giving myself time before I go to school though.  And I think it's for the better.  Love is what will take me from here to there in the end, but whether or not I feel comfortable makes a big difference and I've never lived in a big city for any amount of time so I'm a wee unsure.

I can't wait though, to see Sam, to be home, to be with my family- chaos and all.