"Home is Wherever I'm with you"

I'm in GTOWN!

The title is from a song I heard when I was in Katimavik.  It's by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes.
Also, a certain special someone (guess who!)  said this to me and I thought it was so sweet because it was straight from the heart.

Well, it was funny at first to leave.  " What did I miss..." I found myself thinking.
The first thing that came to mind was, surprisingly The Dollar Store just because I remembered buying tissue paper for $4.  Otherwise though, I honestly couldn't think of anything I really missed other than my friends and family.  I guess I was so busy it really didn't matter that there was no Tim Horton's (Not on every corner like Guelph!)  Or like 4 pharmacies within 2 km of my house, or options for different restaurants.  All those luxuries, I honestly didn't miss them that much.  And seeing the road is just weird!

I love the winter in Chisasibi!  It's gorgeous and I wouldn't change a single thing about it.  I would just learn to drive better on the icy roads since I suck...
Once I was having lunch at the mitchuap with Judy and a little girl came up to me and said "hey, I saw you the other day!  You were in a red car and my dad almost hit you!"
I slipped at a stop sign and she was in the truck behind me and I guess he was trying to turn or something, but I ended up in a pile of snow but there was no damage other than a red face of embarrassment then and when she brought it up since it was Judy's car.  Needless to say, my driving definitely needs improvement...

Sam came here a day after I arrived!  It was a longer drive than I thought- 26-28 hours! @#E&Q#^$(  holay molayyy!  But it's been so incredible being with him, introducing where I came from, all the awesome and less than awesome things about my sometimes awesome family. (overuse of the word awesome noted.)

But don't you awesome people forget to keep following my awesome blog! (okay, okay I got it!  enough awesome...)
Because I'll keep updating, just, now it'll probably be either more of my thoughts and theories on life and love and less about events that happen in my life (since I feel I've had quite a bit of excitement this year, not that it'll be much less excitement since I'm moving to a new city that's BIG and I'll be on a job hunt... :O boring...)  Also, now that I've gotten a little life experience here, there and a little bit of everywhere, I have some knowledge to base my theories (for the most part.)

So keep reading!
And hopefully I'll post some pictures eventually (maybe- no promises.)

Last Day in 'Sasibi

I'd definitely say I've never felt more appreciated by a whole community than I did today. 
I think that's what I came back for.  That feeling that I've really accomplished something, that I've stepped out of the box of conventional options for 'what to do next' and done something that few have ever done before.  And boy, did people ever make me feel like everything I went through, everything I saw and every moment of my time here in Chisasibi was well worth it. 

So I did some running around today so I could see all my friends before I go.  Yesterday, I was looking at my to do list and I said "I feel a little overwhelmed" to Mike.  He told me to prioritize and if I dont finish everything, not to worry.  Well, I was determined to complete this To-do list today and you know what, I did! My to do list consisted of visits and easy things like going to the band council and bank so it wasn't that difficult or unfun, so I'm not sure why I ever felt overwhelmed.  I guess a few things came up- Judy wanted me to look after the kids, for example, but I had no reason to fret.  I just hadn't thought how I'd make it all work out. 

Anyway, I delivered some Christmas cards (I think I even missed a bunch of important people to be honest :S)  But they all found their way to the people! :)

So my day starts off really nicely- I got a pretty paycheque for all the time they missed. :D
Then, another one from the band office for the action program :) 
So then I went back to the school later just to buy mittens (because I'd seen them before. and decided it was probably my last chance to get the mittens I want!)  They said James Bay Eeyou School on them.  Well, I got to the office and they were gone!  Rosalind told me to go see Susan in her class.  So when I got there, she had the mittens and I gave her all the money I had! (they were a little more expensive than I thought they'd be but that's alright.)  I was pretty happy with them, but I mentioned that I would have preferred the logo and just by chance, Margaret came in with a pair with the logo, saying "ohh I'll buy them after the holidays." 
I was sooo excited!  "NO WAY!" I said. 
Again, if you want something badly enough, it'll come to you.  Thanks Chisasibi. :)
Then, I went back to the office and was asked to sign a card for a friend.  Well, I put it on Rosalind's desk and I see another card.  "Ooh!  this is a nice picture!  Is this another one I should sign?" I opened it and I see my name.  Whoops!  Oh man, I laughed so hard! 
Then I went to visit my friend to wish them well and I came back to the office.  "Can I have my card now so I can go?" 
"Rita has to sign it!"  She said.


Rita is one of the principals who mentioned yesterday that she really appreciated my work at JBES, and that I'll really be missed there.  It meant a lot coming from her because she always seems to be in a hurry at school.  She just talks so fast and she seems so efficient that I don't always comprehend everything she's saying, and sometimes I was even a little less apt to approach her because she's that way. I understand though.  Anyway, it meant a lot to me that she told me this, and I really felt it was sincere.

Well, I waited around for a bit, saw some friends that came by the office, got sneak-hug-attacked by Chris :)  (glad I saw him) and said goodbye to a few others :)  So, then Rita made an announcement for all the secondary students and teachers to go to the agora for an assembly. Well, there weren't very many people there, but all the teachers came and Rita put her hand over my eyes and guided me there.  I thought she was just pulling my leg, that it was just a chance for her to communicate what's happening next week, but everybody just made a little circle and Judy D. started right away with "We just wanted to thank Stacey for all her contributions at the school...."  I couldn't believe it. I thought I was dreaming! 
She gave me a card with a gift in it.  It didn't matter what it was, the fact that they did this much for me meant a lot, and the support I had in this community-it's enough to make my departure a bit more bitter.

It's a really good feeling to leave a place feeling missed. 

A bunch of people signed the card and the gift was a hair piece - one I was actually going to buy!  And a beautiful pair of earrings that match.  Man, I was crying sooo much!  It was a little embarrassing, but I made light of it!  Then I proceeded to say "Thanks so much guys, and honestly, I really felt this is such an important place for me, because I really felt like I grew up a lot here... it was really the time when my perspective shifted from just myself to the realization that others are around me, which usually comes much later in life."  (maybe not word for word, but that's along the lines of what I said.)
I was just so touched by the fact that they'd gone out of their way to show their appreciation for me and I got a lot of hugs and handshakes from people I barely even got to know! Every one of them seemed to sincerely  appreciate my presence, and I feel truly, deeply gratified for it.

Then, I went home to Judy's.  (I corrected myself when I said "home" on the phone with Judy and she said "no, home." And I could feel her smiling)  Wes made the pizza and fries and I made a weird salad (as usual) that the kids didn't feel like eating haha.   Well, I got to have a mini-dance party with the munchkins, and Wes even posed for a few pictures with us! (I gotta post those!)



But honestly, I've never, ever felt more appreciated in my life.
And that's why I loved it here so much.
I'm onto the next chapter of my life though.  So here goes, to being a little fish in a big pond again, starting elsewhere anew.
I know I'll be okay, but starting anew at any time is hard, especially when you feel like you've built something really beautiful into people's memories.
Maybe I'll visit in the summer- Mamweedow, I said. 
"We'll see where life takes me..."

Sweat, Collage and more...

So the power went out for a week!
And last night I went to a sweat- FINALLY! Yay!  It was really interesting this time, having gone alone.

In my time off from school, I've been relieved to have had time to think a little about Christmas, to think about what I've done here, what has been doing to me!  (Yeah I know it sounds awkward, but all the things around me that have changed me a little.)Monday, I even made a collage with some brochures of Northern Quebec.  It turned out pretty nice, but I realized that there's a lot I never saw here.  Like Caribou.  I still have yet to see a single one... And I really didn't spend much of my time outside, connecting with nature like I hoped I would.  Nor did I learn much of the language. But I was really busy the whole time I was here.  Teaching, doing action programs, and constantly socializing, really.  And that's not all bad.  I learned a lot from that! And I'm a really social person after all.
I also realized that there's a lot I did experience, some of it not represented in pictures of native traditional crafts and nature, but in being aware of my own openness, often getting others to open up a little more to me.

I said to someone yesterday- I really appreciated my experience, especially upon my return because I felt that was when the shift of 'mememe' really came about.  For most people, I said, "it comes much later."  And it's true.  I've learned to fend for myself, to ask for things when I need them and sometimes even when I want them. 
"I hate asking for things," I said to Mike, "I don't know why, it's just..."
"You don't like mooching, you said."
"Yeah, true," I said.
"You just have to learn to differentiate upon what is a reasonable request and what isn't. That comes in good time." 

Mike's good with giving wise words once in a while.  I like Mike.  I think I love him... (inside joke.)  - and he's like an older brother. 

The thing is here, I've made lots of friends and even some, what feel like family.  I've made some really close connections and I'll be sad to leave, for sure, but really happy to go, and to have this as a part of my life.  It's been a real, pardon me for the cliche, but, life-changing experience.  I've seen so much here, and I've really grown up.  Now, as much as I can detest it at times, I'm an adult, and I can take care of myself.  But here, I learned not just to take care of myself, but others too.  To provide support for those who do for me, and to be present in the classroom at the same time.  Gosh, I did a lot.  I can't believe what I've accomplished here.  It's incredible.  And life's only going to get better. 

On top of that, I was singing in the shower yesterday, the song Do you Remember by Jack Johnson. I replaced the lyrics with things from my own current relationship.  Only, for us it hasn't been ten years, but half of a year.  I really think that in no time, it will have been ten years and I'll be singing the same song in the shower.  Only by then, I'll probably be bathing a 2 or 3-year-old at the same time, while the other one cleans their room and I'm trying to relax myself since we're getting ready to take them to their grandparents' place so my sweetheart and I can have some time together to celebrate.  Yes, I'm talking about future, and I told myself not to do that but now it's been long enough and I know what I feel enough to say that it's worth the anticipation.  Needless to say, I feel confident Sam and I are in it for the long run and I really do love him- and I have reason to!

Now, for the nitty gritty details of the sweat! 
So FINALLY, after many attempts, I got to go to a sweat!  I had to make it happen.  I had to ask rather than simply wait for an invitation.  That's exactly what that sweat taught me, though.  I knew this before, but particularly the Cree here, they won't inform you of anything unless you ask.  The reason is because if you don't ask, they don't know you're interested.  You have to ask lots of questions, and you need to learn to ask the right questions too.  Naturally, I'm shy in new situations, so I do what I can to break through that, but I don't always break through completely right away. It takes time for me to get comfortable. 

It was funny when I went into the sweat.  There were a lot more people in there than I'd ever seen before, I'm not really sure why.  Someone calls a sweat for whatever reason and people come and pray for themselves and their family, friends, whatever... It's healing for all who enter. 
Anyway, back to me entering the sweat... I walk in, crouched under, and saw a different man directing the sweat.  He looked like he was going to say something, so I paused.  "You a rookie?" he says. 
"Uhh, no, I was here before with Katimavik," I said.  
"You okay?"
"Yes," I said. I laughed. 
Later, he asked me questions so everyone inside could here.  Few sat on the outside, I should add-usually there are a whole bunch of people that come and just sit outside the sweat in the tent.  It was a particularly special sweat for some reason.  And the man who directed it isn't from Chisasibi.  I feel like I've seen him before though. 
This sweat was much better than most other sweats I've been to.  I think I picked a good one to go to, that's for sure.  It was more musical, and I could feel more general healing.  Not just when the door was closed, but when we all laughed together about all kinds of things.  You see, the Cree have this uncanny ability to make a joke out of everything.  I could never understand how they did it, but they're really good at it.  Laughter always helps to heal the soul.
There were more rattles, one with an eagle's claw.  That's an eagle's claw, not eagle's foot... (I made the mistake of asking if it was an eagle's foot- "Isn't English your first language," he said. Of course I just laughed along.)  I noticed the structure more this time though.  I'm pretty sure there's a feather in the roof of the sweat, and the blankets, I noticed, were actually not black! 
But what I noticed, more than anything, is that for the Cree, laughing doesn't make things any less official.  It just makes things lighter, and speaking more openly about heavy things lightheartedly and laughing about it is how they seem to deal with it.  "I was in prison for 9 months when I was 18," a man said, "it's no fun for an 18-year-old." I don't remember the exact words he said following that, but something around the lines of ' Then I went to find a girl that never waited' and later, he mentioned a conversation with an elder.  He said that she said "What do you men think we do when you're away [out in the bush, for example]?  You think we just wait around?"  I guess it's all about delivery because when he said that, everyone was laughing. They have a completely different sense of humour, that's for sure.  Waaaah!  and that weird thing they do instead of saying "not!"  it's a "hyenhhhh" from the back of the throat with the head back, mouth wide open and followed with a goofy smile. 
I tried describing it before, but I think I get it more or less now. It's really special. :)

There's a lot about this place that I think will always be in my heart but it's time for me to move on.  I'll carry it with me forever,  but Chisasibi, my time to go is coming soon.  "Will you be back," many ask.  "Maybe," I say.

Picture! Meant to upload more but internet is too slow.

Cross-eyed human: me.  Left pup, Jamal (the big basketball player... not!) and Mojo, the monster (or so he seems)
I was dog sitting and this is the best picture I've taken in a long time! :P

aShmaaaaaa! Home soooooooon

So, I've been at Judy's place for about two weeks now and I honestly really feel blessed to have had my experience here.  They're quite the family!  And really something very special.aShmaaa!  It's a word only in their family that's just like commentary for 'cute!' the Cree often say "anjaba" and in Waskaganish, I think it is, they say "Anjabwe!"

So I have less than two more weeks.  I'll be really sad to leave this community because I may or may not come back (I really don't know)  But I've never been more excited to go home.

Mom, I miss her soooo much!  I just want to hug her and apologize again and again for how hard I've always been on her.  I feel like I've changed a lot, and that my life isn't just valuable for me, but for family too.  I still think of myself to be free to go where I please, but now, I see that love is what will always give me home and comfort.
And my SamSam- I miss him sooooo much! My puppies, my dad, my brother, sister, my friends, a place I can really call "home."  I've spent a year now, constantly adapting and readapting and believe me, I've grown up a lot, but I'm so ready to be with my family again. 

The only thing I'm feeling a little apprehensive about is my move to Winnipeg.  I'm afraid I might have difficulty finding a job, that I'll feel alone in a big town (I have friends there though, and I'll be living with Sam, which makes the WORLD of a difference, of course.)  The other thing is, I still feel an attachment to Guelph, to tell the truth. I follow a few blogs about Guelph and I get stuff on facebook telling when the poetry slams are.  But once again, I'm going to have to start somewhere anew, and I'm feeling a little tired of that.  I'm sure I'll feel better when I see my family at the farm though.  It's just the city...  It's artistic, cultural and there's a lot going on, but it's a big city and right now, I'm finding that somewhat intimidating.  I'm giving myself time before I go to school though.  And I think it's for the better.  Love is what will take me from here to there in the end, but whether or not I feel comfortable makes a big difference and I've never lived in a big city for any amount of time so I'm a wee unsure.

I can't wait though, to see Sam, to be home, to be with my family- chaos and all.

The new moon has arrived

Every time I see a friend of mine here in Chisasibi (well, now I call it 'sasibi' because that's what the locals call it, haha.) she tells me where the moon is and where the general energy is.  And I realy feel it.  I think I'm really sensitive to this stuff to tell the truth.  I don't understand how or why it works this way, but it really explains a lot.

Well, this weekend, I - don't fret when you hear this, my friends- was in a car accident.  We swirved off the road and into a few trees, practically destroying the left side of the car.  The car still ran though!  We managed to drive for over an hour after the fact, making it to our destination: Wemindji! Anyway, though I don't often seem outwardly stressed, internally, I sometimes freak out a lot.  I've learned to better keep my calm on the outside, but maybe, hopefully some day I'l learn to make that calmness on the inside.
Immediately following the accident, I did what I needed to do, relaxed a little, got the kids to the arena, dressed on time for the little boy's hockey game and so on.  It wasn't until Monday and yesterday that I was really feeling exhausted, still recovering from the stress.  All is well though. Noone even got a scratch (well maybe like less than a papercut...) And everything is being dealt with ;)

So today is a pedagogical day (like a professional development day in Ontario)  and we're having a workshop on student literacy today.  So far, so good. I think I'm learning a lot, actually.  I said to a few teachers that I didn't feel what I was doing in the class was really working for the students because, honestly I don't have a clue what level most of them are at.  But there's a lot I need to learn, professionally.  I understand why it's important to learn these things before being in the classroom setting. I understand better now, that there's a whole lot of 'I don't knows.'  So I'll have a much better knowledge of exactly what the 'I don't knows' are when I'm in school, learning how to teach, and I'll have all the questions to ask so I can learn even better and see things more critically.
Needless to say, I don't think I could've chosen a better time to come here. 
And I'm feeling the energy rising, spirits coming up- just as my friend told me I would!

Hockey mom and teacher? Whoawee!

Well, my friends always used to tell me that I was always busy.
There are ahh moments when I get to sit and relax sometimes.
But not when you're responsible for more than just you, things can get a little crazy-but it's okay.

So I'm a nanny for a couple kids this week.  Thursday-Sunday.  They have hockey and broomball, I took them to a movie screening and we went to a circus act last night.
This weekend will be a true test to my crash-test mommy experience.

I'm taking them 3 hours away for a hockey tournament. We're going to have to leave at 5:30AM on top of that!

At least they're wonderful sweet kids that do what I ask, usually when I ask.  And they both like to be really helpful too.  I went to tell the boy to get to bed last night and he was already in bed with a book in his hand!  The little girl tells me where everything is in the house, what their routines are and how they usually do certain things.  I'm really doing it though...  It's amazing what you can acoomplish when there's a little more pressure!

Good thing I just have two periods today.  My head feels like it's going to explode-probably just a little stress, dehydration, less sleep to tell the truth. 

So I took the little boy to hockey and when I went to get him, I went in the changeroom to help him and he was almost done!  I looked at the people in there, felt embarrassed there were no moms or any females (just teenage boys) and I stood outside, figuring he didn't need my help.  Well, he did.  After a while, he came out, rather upset and at first, refused to talk to me.  I explained, told him I felt terrible that I didn't help him and I said "you know, your mom has been doing this for 17 years.  This is my first day!  So I'm sorry I can't be as good as your mom, but can you please forgive me?"  He let me hug him and after some time he cheered up.  Later, we went to the cicus act, he was chosen to be a volunteer and he was sooo excited!  He did a chin up on the tight wire!  Then, the man shook his hand and he hung off the guy for a few seconds. (It was actually adorable and really funny.)  This little boy has spunk!

I connect really well with the little girl too. (I'm not writing their names just to be safe.)  She's 10 and soooo helpful.  From the first time we started talking in the van, we've been pretty close!  

Yesterday, I worked 4 periods too.  In the one class- a random class I subbed for (that was already set up - they were watching a movie by the time I was called to come in.)  a girl started writing notes to me. 
"Don't leave!" she wrote.
"aww, I feel loved." I said.
"You are." she replied.

Nuff said. 

Some days I have forgotten, but I really am feeling the love here. 
But you know, there's love everywhere you go.  You just have to find it in your heart and hold it really close. 
I've come to the realization, that people are my past time.  Naturally-no matter where I am.  I don't always make enough time to do hobbies on my own, but I talk to people and that's important too. 

So now, I'm the busy momma for a few days.  Of course I can do it, of course I can manage. (If the darn dog could ever stop peeing- did I mention there's two puppies and a teenager too?  The teenager is respectful though,  and I knew his friend that came over-we  chatted for a minute or so!)

So here's to all the busybee-teacher-mom-hockey-dogwatchin'-hardworkin' mothers out there: I have mad respect for y'all!

Catch up post!

Well, it's been a while since I've posted and a lot has happened!
As you may already know, I don't blog about everything I do.  that'd be A) boring and time consuming for you and B) time consuming for me, and I don't spend that much time on my own to tell the truth!
I keep telling myself that I need to spend more time on my own- but I've realized that my time here is limited and I want to build relationships with others as much as I can while I'm here. 
Needless to say, I'm pretty busy.

Some people say it's 'boring' here.  I'd say it's anything but.  Then again, I do have the tendency to very rarely be "bored." 
"It's a choice," I remember saying to a man when I was hitchiking.  There's always something to do.
So in case you're wondering what I'm typically up to, well, to give you an idea, I'll tell you my schedule.
Monday (9-4 or longer) school subbing after school- green club (has yet to begin!)  then 615-815 Henna Tatoos and Moroccan Tea/music with french speakers!
Tuesday (9-4 or longer) school subbing then Dancercise at 6-7
Wednesday (9-4 or longer) school subbing then I teach a cooking class 5-7 (or longer...)
Thursday (9-4 or longer) school subbing Photography club until 530.
Friday (9-4 or longer) school subbing -- usually something comes up- a party, chaperoning for a high school student council something, dance-whatever!
Saturday -- something always pops up - recently, filming and editing for a 'dogumentary' at the Wapikoni mobile- which is a mobile trailer that sets up in aboriginal community, but lost HALF of it's funding this year :(  Luckily, they were able to come to Chisasibi while I was up here and I did a bit of work with a friend up here :) You'll get to see it soon!  I've also spent time with various people doing this or that.
Sunday- this is my 'bum' day but it hasn't been the past few weeks!
  I wake up in the morning, usually do some house stuff-laundry, cleaning, vacuuming.  Then, well, it varies.  But at 4:00 I have a creative writing group with a few teachers from the school. We always laugh so much and we have a lot of fun talking about this, that and everything!

Now, I'm subbing in a secondary 2 English class for a while!  I'm glad because I think I can do a good job, and I like the students.  I have a lot planned for them! :) 2 weeks already planned!  I just have some work to go with it! Overheads and whatnot, but the thinking is done. (so no stress ;))   except that this week I'm moving again, to someone's place where I'll be looking after their kids for a couple days :)

I haven't blogged in a while, not just because I didn't have time, but because for a while, I was feeling a little depressed and just didn't feel like it.
There was a time I was feeling unsure about moving in with my boyfriend, I was feeling disconnected from my parents, and I felt I was making little progress in what I was attempting to accomplish in this community. 
Last week, though, I started working out and I'm trying to take better care of myself.  Since the sun rises at like 9:00 (or so) and sets at 4:15 now, I didn't see the sun for about 3 days straight.  Well no wonder I was feeling down!
I needed some vitamin D!
I'll make a point to get outside at break though, or something.  Maybe I'll go out with elementary kids haha.  And I'm working out now- I got a good deal on my membership because Trevor (the handsome man that manages the gym) is awesome. 

Not just that, but every so often, it starts to get weighing when you realize how much some of these kids deal with, and they just take every blow with no problem.  They're tough. Really tough.  Yet you have some at the other end of the spectrum that are really just spoiled!  Christmas here, for example, I've heard (even when I was here with Katimavik) is insane for some families (I've heard of people getting ski-doos,  computers,  and all kinds of pricey goodies)  But again, there's people from both spectrums.  There's parents that can't afford to buy their kids new boots or jackets, many that come to school hungry because their parents were too drunk that morning and many of them really look after themselves.  The latter parts were harder for me to really see when I was here before.  I mean, I knew about it, but I didn't really see it for myself.
I told mom that sometimes I have a really hard time with some of these things and she said "well I read your blog and it doesn't seem like you're having a hard time at all." 
Well, let's remember that I'm 19 and I'm teaching.  I'm a caring person, and I like to be involved in what I do.  When youhave those qualities, it can be a very demanding job.  On top of that, it's ESL, and in a remote community.  (Mind you, I'm starting to think this comunity isn't remote at all compared to other communities.)  I'm also far away from my family, and loved ones, and some friends (even though I've made many anew.)  So let's just say, that's a lot of responsibility for anyone, especially someone my age, and considering a lot of the social issues here, I'm doing okay.

I was also having some difficulty no knowing where I'd be working every day.  Going to the office in the morning and saying "okay, what do you have for me." It was okay some days, but others, I found difficult to motivate myself to even get up in the morning. (I did, of course, but reluctantly.)

This weekend, I got to enjoy some good ol' fashioned outside snow time yesterday with some little kids and big kids too! We made a snow castle, then had a snowfight!  I had my bare hands, of course, since I gave my gloves to another kid haha.  But there were some intense moments, some dog piles, snow bombs from above and a whole lot of laughter.  Oowah! :) I even got to try some traditional Ptarmigan (much better this time) fried, not boiled and hunted by a 75-year-old man.  (75 and still hunting-can you believe it? Yeah!)

I also enjoyed a traditional Maroccan meal and a traditional Cree meal (moosemeat!)  I've been spoiled with awesomeness!

So I'm back up to my normal upbeat happiness now, and I need to get to bed if I'm going to stay that way!

Speckles of snow!

It snowed! And Saturday was the first time it stayed on the ground for a while :) But then, of course, it melted by the afternoon.  Funny to say I'm in the north and it's probably much cooler in many places south of here. 
It was the first Hallowe'en here, I hear, in a while where there was no snow on the ground!  It snowed about ten minutes today (when I was walking home of course... shivering because I'm a weakling for cold I guess.)

"It's snowing!" I said excitedly to another teacher, "I'm probably the only one to see it that way, of course."
She smiles, "no, Violaine was the same way"
(I'm translating from French so its not exact.)

So Hallowe'en felt chaotic but fun.  I'm glad I was able to smile.  It was a full day of fun! "It's Hallowe'en," the kids said, "we're not supposed to work!" I had them do some printing in the morning, which I'm not sure they were motivated to do... I wanted to keep the routine in place though.  That's important for some kids!

Well, today I got to rejoin the grade 5 class I started with.  What was once "Stacey's class"and now "Jenny's Class."  They kept calling me Jenny and I wanted to say "I'm not Jenny! Stop calling me that!"  "Well, they'd say, you look alike!" And they had all these plans and things they were going to do for the halloween decorations but, of course a lot of their plans did not happen because I didnt know what they did with it all :S  So I did what I could-messy as it is, it's their creation and that's the important thing. 

So there's snow on the ground and, while some are seeing it as "oh no, snow=cold!" I see it as "ohhh how beautiful!"

Lately I've been thinking a little more about my departure from here to tell the truth.  I keep reminding myself though, that I still have yet to accomplish what I came to do.  There's still a lot I need to do for me to feel better about coming back.  No, working at the school isn't enough.  Yes, school makes a huge difference, but school isn't the only thing that defines us as a society, I'm learning.  I want to do more and experience more one-on-one interactions outside the classroom- because they're the ones where you can be fully invested, say what you need to say and be all that you are.  Needless to say, I dont feel I'm the same person in a classroom situation. 

But it's alright, I give what I can and the bottomline is, of course what I always say, I care.  And I show it.

One thing a day...

So today is the first day where I've ever actually said I was "bored."
This doesn't happen often for me, no matter where I go.  I only subbed for one period and even then, it wasn't super demanding.

I really enjoyed teaching secondary English, and even though some might not have liked how I did things, I think I presented a little something else they might not have seen previously.  I think some appreciated it, some, not so much, but that's okay- I did what I could, gave what I had to offer, and I think most of them recognized that.
And once again, it feels weird to not have to plan.  In fact, as much as I thought I wouldn't like the planning, I actually don't mind it now.  I can be spontaneous, and I can plan now!
Today, I was in a secondary class to sub- sec 2 (so like grade 8 in Ontario) and the teacher asked them to write about a moment that changed their lives.  The one that came to my mind, that I used as an example was the time I went to the memorial dance.  Some of you might remember, when I got that nisk (goose) painting in a gold frame and Chris said to me "if you really want something, it will come to me."  If he'd said that any other time, I would've said whatever... but there I stood with proof in my hands.  I never asked for this, but somehow fate, or spirits, or whatever it was- brought it to me. 

I told the students about this, and later read a short story from the Chicken soup book that was on the teacher's desk.  It happened to suit the assignment perfectly actually- it was about a kid who had to take care of their mother and how that changed their lives.  Whoo! For making the best of it!  I also helped a student with what he wrote (he actually did it, which is more than I can say for most classes) It was nice, because I learned more about him, and I actually really appreciated hearing it. 

So I guess this is just evidence that you learn something everyday! Even the days that seem boring!h

ACTION program teaching, sharing!

I'm teaching a class for the action program! It's called Teen cooking!
I'm hoping to start with SAUERKRAUT! whooo!  and for the rest, we'll see what people are interested in learning, but I had yogurt-making, canning, salad-making, and some healthy eating/homemaking tips in mind ;)

Here's a sweet site I found on sauerkraut though :)

http://canninggranny.blogspot.com/2011/10/making-and-canning-sauerkraut.html

Dream that are not so dreamy...

I walk through a garden of flowers, smelling of sugar snaps, beautiful swirls climbing the fence in bean-form, and my favourite flower- I can't even remember the name- but all of this is right in front of me.  I just can't see it right now.

Lately, I haven't been dreaming those happy dreams. I haven't been escaping the reality I don't want to see in my dreams.  Instead, like many, my brain takes me deeper into what I see every day.

My brother takes out a clothing tag with the Underarmour symbol from his skin. In my dream, he was in an accident, but in reality, it was Hollie that was in an accident.  The dream makes no sense logically, but I know what to take of it- I miss him.  My brother, of all people.  The one I never used to talk to?  Well, he's always been important to me, whether he knows it or not, and I can feel our bond growing.

In another, a child in my class lets a bee free. I, unafraid of it's power deal with it and get stung.  I don't remember what happened to me following the sting, but I think I forget what power I'm dealing with sometimes with these kids.

I'm in a dark place now, in my mind.  But I can see the light.  The students in the high school are a tough crowd, and I've been very aware of this from the very beginning.  I won't get through to all of them, but I get the feeling that some, more than I think, are understanding more than it appears. And the ones I least expect are sometimes the ones that are the most interested. 

"You're just a sub," a student said.  "Yes, I'm a sub, and no, I don't get paid any more if you learn this or not.  But I care. I'm here to share what I have. Take it or leave it," I said.
"I'm not here for a paycheque.  I'm here because I feel like I have something to share,"  I said to the students.
"Who are you?" A student asked.

I don't know why, but the questions resonated in my head.  "Who are you?" I didn't know how to answer that, so I said "uh, I'm Stacey, uh I'm from Guelph and I was here before with Katimavik and I came back"
but I should've just said 'I am what I've been showing you from the beginning, but you're so used to not being cared about that you're ignoring what I have to give.' 

I've realized lately that intention makes the world of a difference.  And the ones who understand this much respect me a whole lot more than I'm sure some people have given them.  Those students are the ones that have brought my spirits a whole lot higher.

Remember to live... Remember to love! Oh yes, it's so corny, but It's the best life advice I can give and show.

My mind is often in a dark place and I'm honestly exhausted because I put so much into the work I do.  But the light isn't so far away.  I'm giving and even though there are moments I feel it's not working, I'm getting more than it appears.  They're more receptive than it seems, I'm sure of it.

"I'm no smarter than you," I said.  What I lack in age I make up for in experience and thus wisdom.  So I'm hoping that my positive attitude can reach a few more.

What a fun day!

So yesterday, I spent a little too much time on the computer, waiting for pictures to upload, did a little cleaning, and a little reading, texting my good friend Summer in Edmonton and had a tea with a friend. 

An okay day, pretty relaxed... until- katimavik Thanksgiving.

I also forgot to mention that Friday, I thought Northern Sun was going to burn down from a forest fire (but it's okay!)  But I was really upset, of course.
And last night, my sister was in yet another car accident.

I invited myself over because I hadn't really met the Kaitmavik group and I wasn't going to wait for Chris to invite me.  "We have too much food, invite friends!" says Jack, who's a shaman (I've known him a while, but only found out recently that he's actually a shaman.)   There was about 20 people in a small space, with 5 small, hyper children, so the energy wasn't quite what we call calm... I just observed, mostly, laughed and enjoyed good food!

Then, we witnessed two dogs having a little trouble post, well, they hadn't gotten to pillow talk because they were stuck. 
At first we thought the dog's paw was inside the other's anus.
Then we thought they were glued.
But I, of course, was the one to intervene, and the dog's penis was just too big and got stuck.  So I guess the dog tried walking away while it was still inside and it couldn't. The leg was caught, so I thought the leg was broken. "It's mangled!" I said.  But I guess it was a little more flexible than I presumed...
I moved the leg that was caught and then, within 30 seconds, flllllsh! the penis came out with a splash. Yumm.... 

Sam told me that this happens sometimes when different breeds mix because some breeds just have bigger packages that aren't designed to fit in others.
Then I went to a hip hop concert with Katimavik.  Fresh IE.  We got the end of it, but it was fun anyway!  I think we were the only ones dancing, and most of the crowd was about 10 and under so it made a difference that we were there.

And today, I found out that I may be teaching a grade 3 class!  I don't know quite what's going to happen, but we'll see!

James Bayyyy :)

SEAL! zoom in if you can!

Shashashao

 

:) this reminds me of film photos from so long ago (it seems) looks vintage!

 

So majestic.. so incredibly beautiful... we lucked out have such a day!

A bit of James Bay beauty

Pondering the Tao of Pooh

Humanity was not created with the ability to live as a busybackson.
No, we were created to be human, to give ourselves time to take in what's around us while we're doing "nothing," which in fact is very important to do.

How nice, I should be reading a book such as the Tao of Pooh on a day I spend alone.  The very first, I'm sure, that I have ever spent completely by myself, without any human interaction.  (Excluding the drunks I encountered at the river) And, though sometimes scary, particularly at night, it is something I think we should try to do more often to learn about ourselves and give us some time to think and to grasp what's around us.  A full day.

Funny though, it doesn't seem like anything is really any clearer now, but it might be more so than I think.  Maybe I'll notice it as the week progresses.  I did notice, though, that I felt less like I belonged here this week, since it felt like I wasn't doing a whole lot to make a difference.  It was the first week I was a casual substitute here, there and everywhere.  I was supposed to be in a French class, but since I'm not a Francophone, they had someone else fill in. I wasn't happy about it, and I informed the vice principal, but I should've spoken sooner rather than gone off to play.  The days pass quickly though.
I can't just be a casual sub everyday, I've decided.  I need something that grounds me, that makes a difference somehow.  I've been thinking a lot about how the kids have no quiet space, nowhere to do their homework.  They're seeing opportunity nowhere.

So I'm going to get some people on board to open up the library, lunches, after school, weekends. People talk about it, but it seems that no one wants to do anything about it, or at least initiate it.  It seems to me that a lot of things are like this here in Chisasibi.  So many know what they think should be done to better some situations, but few take action to make these changes.  Initiation is what's needed. And motivation. They have the resources, the people power, even the money.  They just need motivation.

With a couple initiators, more people will see that opportunity is now here (I know, this is becoming Cliche since I've used it a lot, but it fits, I think!)  And I think that might just inspire that energy they need.  Mind you, this has to be a collective effort, that will spread through the whole community.  So let's start with something small that can make a really big difference for many if taken advantage of.

So let's make it happen.

"I admire you," I said to Michelle after noticing how she always makes sure of things before doing it, by calling first or what have you. "you're so well-prepared!  I guess I usually just dive into things and if it doesn't work out, I guess I just figure something else will."
"Just like Pooh!" she says.

Maybe I incorporate more Pooh in me than I know. "go with the flow," I call it.  But sometimes, when the flow is a little wonky, someone has use it's energy and softly push it in a positive direction. 

So I incorporate a little simple Pooh in my life, and I think things will be better.

"What's black and white and red all over?"
"A sunburned penguin." -Pooh :)

Camp des Pines and Picking Blueberries

The trees in this forest died from a forest fire, but the blueberries still grow!  On the other side of the river, the trees are still as beautiful as ever

The trees have passed their lifetime for the most part, but the blueberries and labrador tea are still ever present!

Labrador Tea

Talia :) 

Au camp des pines!

BIG mushroom :)

There's something really spectacular about this photo and I'm not sure what.  But I love it.

The end of one thing, beginning of another

Well, my time with the Grade five English has come to an end for now.
I miss them to tell the truth.  I still really care for them.  And they miss me too, it seems. 

Jenny, the new teacher had a hard time yesterday, but I know it'll get better.  She just has to believe in herself, and learn a lot quickly so she and the children can adapt. 

Sorry I haven't uploaded pictures.  I keep forgetting to bring my memory card to school.  And when I do remember, I often forget to upload the pictures... Well, the class has been my priority.  Otherwise, I'm moving again this week and we'll see how it goes trying to get my own place now that I don't have a permanent job...
And I think this is going to be really challenging for me.
This week I was supposed to sub in a French class for four days.  Then I was told the vice principal wanted a francophone in there even though I knew the kids already, and I knew how the class worked thanks to Jean-François giving me notice.  So suddenly I had no job for the rest of the week... I wanted to take a break this morning though.  I'd like to get some writing in too.  And not feel guilty because I'm not doing this or that for the class. But I still need a job. And I shouldn't let them push me around like that.  I really don't appreciate this treatment.

I'm disappointed because it's hard to know who I can trust at times- in fact I feel like I really need to have thicker skin here and be more careful about what I tell people.  It's really not a cushy feeling at all.
But I love the community still, I love the kids, and I can feel myself growing spiritually.

In fact, I went to visit Jack and Elizabeth at their place on Monday.  They did a card reading for me and gave me some spiritual guidance.  I think I'm more grounded than I think sometimes, but other times, I don't even realize when I feel so crummy.
This weekend was my moon time to be a little off though. Every other month I get that way for a few days.  Then it takes me a little time to get back on track.  So here I am, trying to get back on track. 

I did some origami with Michelle though.  I think it did something for me creatively because I woke up in the morning and immediately had a story in mind.  I started writing it and it was completed pretty quickly.  Now I just have to type it up, fix a few little things and think about possibly publishing.

Next Friday, I'm subbing for Michelle's class too.  Secondary 4 and 5.  And we're going to do some creative workshops.  I'm psyched- really psyched.  Maybe it'll make me consider being a high school teacher, since I remember really liking English class in high school and I had such a positive experience with my teachers.

I have a lot to write about, but it seems to not want to come out on a computer screen for now, so I'll have to write a little later!

Another weekend...

Feeling a little low again.
I think it's this weekend thing- having to think about things a little. 
I don't seem to know how to say no to any social offer.
Not that I need to- I had a lot of fun today, but I haven't made much time to just do what I like by myself, like writing.  Not nearly enough, actually...

And even though, for a very long time, I've been suspecting that I'm lactose intolerant, I've been drinking milk on occasion, eating ice cream (2 nights in a row!) and my body is not responding well...
So I need to listen to my body and it's telling me no dairy.

Oh man...  I'll go none for a bit and introduce yogurt (because I'll really miss yogurt...) and other things later I guess.  I'm writing this so that I don't let myself down. 

But I ran into a neighbour yesterday since school was canceled and we had lunch together today, then picked up a friend of hers (who I met before) went blueberry picking, had dinner and watched the social network  The movie subject is interesting I guess, but I found it really quite boring to watch.  It wasn't quite as bad as Wall Street for me though.

Anyway, it's a gorgeous night and even though I feel crappy, I'm going out to experience the beautiful midnight sky and hope for a show of the northern lights (even though the prediction is low.)
I found a nice simple website: http://www.gi.alaska.edu/AuroraForecast/2

I'm hoping to upload a few pics soon!

Swimming, Swimming in the swimming pool...

Today was a half ped. day.  And I spent most of it running around to find this person and that one to find out more about my current living situation among other things, talking about what I need to do to get the kids that need it some individual attention, or individual education plans, which, I'm sure haven't been done in years, since they have had so many long term substitute teachers.  It's a challenging job in the first place, but in a place like this, I feel there's a lot more to think about since there are so many flaws in the current system.  On top of that, there is so much trauma that seems to have been passed down from generation to generation.

Did I mention that there's also bullying going on?  A father came to the class too, because he wanted to deal with the situation himself.  It's gotten to a point where the child doesn't feel safe coming to school.  I talked to the whole class "you are children, you should be children.  Please, talk about how you're feelings," I said, "don't take it out on someone else. These aren't things you should have to worry about.  I want you all to feel safe!" 

I've been talking more about feelings with them, what they are, how characters feel in stories and asking them to share how their experiences make them feel.  "Your feelings matter too," I said to the kid who was being accused of bullying.  I sent him to the office, but I think more severe measures need to be taken to prevent the events from reoccuring.  And I can't accept it if I hear "there's nothing I can do."  Because I know what it's like to be bullied myself.  I don't know what it's like to be a bully, but I think I really, truly believe that I have a gift for empathising with people, and I can tell that the particular accused bully is afraid of adults. 

A student asked me to go outside with her for a moment so she could tell me something about what is happening at home. "Thank you," I said.  I don't think she knows how happy it makes me to realize that she feels comfortable enough to talk to me. 

The words "your feelings matter too", keep repeating themselves in my head.  It's almost 8:30 and I'm still at school.  I need to keep myself in good shape and this isn't something I can continue to do, but the kids are really important to me, so I will do anything in my power to assure that they can progress, that they feel safe and that they're happy.
I'm in over my head, really.  But I can use my common sense. I can give all my effort.  I can give them more of me than I think some adults have given them. 

Sink or swim? 
I chose to swim.

Inspiration

So this week, I haven't done a whole lot other than talking to my awesome room mate, sleep and make delicious food I guess. 

Every time I planned to go somewhere, it failed.  Pipe ceremony Thursday- didn't make it.  Sweat Friday- Well, I was on my way to babysit.  But Saturday, I had the incredible opportunity to be part of a shake tent.

It's not something anyone could joke about. It's not something anyone could even think to not take seriously.  "This shit's real," I wrote in my journal. And I think I experienced something that really explained a lot about me.  I wanted to know what my spirit name was, since I thought that maybe that might help me to know why it is I've found myself having really weird dreams, and crying about things that aren't even my emotions.  A lady told me about her brother who committed suicide many years ago and she wanted to ask at the shake tent if he had found his peace.  When she asked the question, without even hearing the answer, I cried as much as she did to the response.  I've always known I've been an empathetic person, but, never did I think that I could this deeply with someone as I did there.  I was shaking.  I couldn't believe the hurt I could feel. I've been feeling this a lot since I got here this time, but I figured I was just hormonal.  But no, I'm just really sensitive to the trauma all around me, whether I know it or not. 

And my spirit name?  Northern Lights woman.

It made me think of that night I first saw the Northern lights- I cried.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Another night I saw them was when I first met my friend Maryy.  "Northern liiiiiiights!" I kept saying. She thought it was so hilarious, she put it in her Facebook status that night.  "Maybe you have a special connection to the north," my room mate said  And natural beauty that puts people in awe.

I learned a lot about myself this weekend from that shake-tent, and again when I found my magic spot by the river.  A perfect area with a natural rock chair, covered with moss and a view of the river, cranberries and forest.  It's not too far from the trail, but private enough to hear nothing around. 

I thought about asking what brought me here, what's my purpose, why am I here?  But I think I got my answer without even asking that.  I asked the oracle if that would be an appropriate question to ask and he said "what, you want to know if you're in the right place?"  I said "no, I never doubted that I was meant to come back, but I'm just not sure what it is I should be doing." 
"Well that's an answer in itself," he said.  I was a little confused, but decided not to ask it anyway.
 Now, much later, I have the answer to that question in my spirit name.  I am here to inspire, exactly as the beauty of the north has done and continues to do for me.

By the way, I took some pictures today and I'll have to post them this week!  Some of them are pretty spectacular!
Plants you'll never see in Ontario, and my favourite kind: plants from interesting perspectives :)



Genskoumiden by the way for reading!  I haven't been updating on Facebook by the way because I can't get on from the school!

A week of more ups than downs

It's 6:00 on a Friday afternoon, I have so much work to catch up on and I have nothing planned for Monday.
But it's been a really good day.

I love my kids.  They're so sweet.  Today I had a moment where I was mildly frustrated because I was waiting for the kids to come out of the bathroom and the ones that were waiting were getting a little ansy to go outside (and so was I!)  I guess I had a sour look on my face and one kid said to me "can you laugh?" Of course, I laughed and said "of course.  Thanks."  Another kid, a quiet one, was showing me his Michael Jackson move, which we later practiced outside. We went out for an early recess and played Octopuss and singing the old earthkeepers song I learned when I was their age and again later when I taught Earthkeepers and again when I was at camp.

Here are the lyrics:
"My back aches, My belt's too tight, my hips shake from left to right, say Ooh!  Engawa!  Stacey's class has got the power! Bang! Bang!  Choo Choo train, wind me up and I'll do my thing, no Reeses pieces, no buttercups, Stacey's class gonna kick some butts!"

I like it, so they like it, and it gets them excited.  They should know that they're kids and they're allowed to get excited once in a while.  I might not be the best at organizing things, but I think they feel comfortable in the classroom, which makes a difference to me.  I'm not a teacher, but I really do think I bring something important to the classroom.

I care about them, of course.  And I actually really like them.  Honestly, there's a lot I like about each individual student and that makes me really happy, even when they tire me.  It's never the kids that frustrate or upset me.  I can't let that happen, because they're kids, and they deserve my best, so I'm doing what I can.

Teaching, Teaching and Learning too!

So, what I think a lot of teachers will run into and often not realize it, is this feeling that you're just teaching rather than teaching AND learning. 

There are a few things I came to the realization of understanding the other day when I wasn't having such a good day. 
If I, in the morning, don't look forward to the day and tell myself it'll be a bad day, well it will be. 
If I tell myself it'll be a good day, more good things will come and when the trying moments come, I'll have the spirit to get through it and deal with it. 
Also, positive reinforcement works ridiculously well. Something as simple as a checkmark, a sticker, even. 
Oh yes, and whatever I'm interested in, the kids will be interested in.  If I'm excited about something, they will be excited about it too!  So I've come to the conclusion that I can do whatever it is that was fun for me. 

So I was working on showing the kids the different body parts.  They came up with a whole bunch and I put them on cue cards and tape last class. This time, I taped them on myself where all the body parts were so that they could see it all and start to recognize the words.  Then they labelled a diagram and I think they enjoyed it! 

Their art project will incorporate body movement which is part of the curriculum, so I was excited when I came up with the ideas. 

I'd love to blog for longer but I have some planning to do this morning!  It's okay though, because I got some rest last night (I successfully napped for the first time since I got up here!) and I'm feeling better than I have all week!
I hope to write more about learning about myself too though!

PEACE and really, thanks so much for reading!

Today's Agenda: FUN

Every day I write what we're going to do on the board so that the kids know what they're going to do that day.  Today, of course, I had classes planned, but I looked at the 9 of them that showed up, half asleep, I might add, and I looked at the story I had them doing and I thought "why don't I just do something I like with them."

It was a lot more laid back since there were fewer of them, and I feel I saw a little more of each individual's personality since they felt more comfortable so they weren't necessarily better behaved, but it felt a little more natural.  Natural... I could use as much more of that in the school as possible since the classroom, the structure, the environment, it doesn't feel natural to me.

So I erased what I had planned for the day and wrote "fun."  Luckily, I had some backup activities in my desk and I took those out and the kids got excited about the word cross, so I gave that to them.  Then the boys were looking at the globe, pointing to a few places and I said "where do you want to go?"  One of them said "Rio de Janeiro!"  I was surprised, since that's not a place I think many of them know much about and their reading is limited so this kid must have heard something about it from someone else.
I asked another kid and he pointed somewhere Spanish-speaking as well. 

So then, I said "do you guys want to learn some Spanish?"  "YEAH!"  they said.
I think they really just want to learn and anything different from every day stuff is good, really. 
I had them repeating after me how to say the numbers and by the end of the class, I think at least half of them could count to ten in Spanish on their own.

Then, I planned to go for a walk, but Mike suggested I do a fire drill with them and then his class would join mine for some outdoor games.  I was outside first with my class and I started playing games, but they seemed more interested in what the teenagers were doing nearby.  I didn't want to discourage them from talking to them, but I also wanted to get them running around a little.  So the teenagers ended up joining us, which made the games so much more fun.  When Mike came, we played a few more games and Mike took over in the end and it all turned out really well.  In the end, they had fun, and they ended up learning too!

I asked one little girl: is there anything you want to learn about?  And she says "I like learning." 
"But is there anything in particular you want to learn about?" I said.  I want to know what they're interested in, I want to incorporate what they like into the class. But apparently it's easier than I thought...
"Anything,"  she says, "I just like learning."

They really do put a smile on my face!  It's never them that could ever make me feel bad or give me negative feelings.  It's the unfair situation they've grown so used to, yet they continue to still have so much joy to share.

More pics- dans le bois!

Blueberries growing in the lichen :)

My beautiful face after getting into a fight with a few black flies... just beautiful, I know. And the right eye is a little swollen too, but it doesn't look like it compared to my left!

An edible mushroom! I looked it up and found that it's a bolete (I think that's the name...) mushroom (can't remember the specific type) I never got around to actually eating it though.

never found the type of mushroom this is, but it was a cool foamy one!

"C'est ca l'amour!"  I said to Sylvain, as he held his sweet dog on his lap.  The dog won't let anyone else pet it and look at this!

Schmo- toezzzz

A few mushrooms I found on my short walk close to home!

Going back here now... this is on the ride up to Chisasibi!

This one too!  Aren't the clouds cool?  It's like an opening...

This one I took at the dam!  It just looks cool.

Not sure why it looks distorted, but at the dam.

LG-2 again, but from above!

My goofy teacher friends!

The small info place for Chisasibi

Mike the mighty duck.

The staircase- its supposed to slow the water in the case that it floods.

I met Robert Bourassa who died in what... 94?