I had been searching for it for some time, and sometimes I think I lost my artistic side. However, I suppose my creativity has not escaped me. It just comes out differently, since I exercise it differently.
I am by no means an accomplished writer. My writing doesn't always flow nicely, and my sentences go on and on... Sometimes though, I feel the words I write are effective. My thoughts sometimes penetrate the minds of others when I least expect them too. I suppose I consider that an accomplishment.
I thought I would record a recent Facebook post, since this blog is my way of journalling in a form I'd like to share to inspire myself in another time, another form and for all that feel the desire to read!
I'm feeling my heart opening more as time moves on.
This openness of my heart ebbs and flows.
Like the fluids, or the ocean within my body.
I can feel that I am ready to love,
Ready to be free, ready to be me;
That person I always have been, yet always wanted to be.
We humans are constantly changing, evolving,
But never for an end state of being.
I always loved who I've been,
But because life is always changing,
I am forming, adapting to be who I need to be.
We are creatures of habit, yet creatures of slow adaptation.
One can find health and comfort in habit,
Peace by adapting to their surroundings,
And harmony embracing them together.
Cheers to a life combined with stability and freedom.
To Homing and Travelling,
Being alone and being with others.
Cheers to harmony within ourselves, and having the strength to accept the flow of the ocean within.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Fearless Freedom
Freedom is fearlessness.
Freedom is knowing when you're happy, when you're not,
Knowing when change is needed.
Having Confidence in your abilities,
Freedom is knowing when you're happy, when you're not,
Knowing when change is needed.
Having Confidence in your abilities,
Courage to implement change.
Freedom is being able to sing your own songs,
and listening to the songs of others around you.
I can see what I once feared once upon a time.
I'm watching it float away in a breeze,
Flying, like a napkin in the wind
I am happy alone,
Happier among others,
Integrated with my surroundings,
Involved in community,
Able to take care.
I can do the splits in any situation,
I feel beautiful.
Courage...
and listening to the songs of others around you.
I can see what I once feared once upon a time.
I'm watching it float away in a breeze,
Flying, like a napkin in the wind
Over the lakes under the full moon,
Among the shooting stars and into the sun setting before me.
The loons call to me, welcoming me to this lake.
You are meant to be here, now.
The Swans grace me with their presence.
Slow down, all is well. Remember to be you.
When I drive in the direction of what I think I need,
I often find I fall upon what I feel I need,
Once I realize what it is that I really need.
People change their plans, change their minds,
Often, we must make the best of the moments with what we have.
Among the shooting stars and into the sun setting before me.
The loons call to me, welcoming me to this lake.
You are meant to be here, now.
The Swans grace me with their presence.
Slow down, all is well. Remember to be you.
When I drive in the direction of what I think I need,
I often find I fall upon what I feel I need,
Once I realize what it is that I really need.
People change their plans, change their minds,
Often, we must make the best of the moments with what we have.
In these times of improvisations,
I'm finding myself between a sunset and the full moon,
Smiling, Rejoicing this spontaneous moment.
I thought I'd rush to sleep, but the lake was calling me.
So I sang out to her, and graced the birds with my presence.
I'm finding myself between a sunset and the full moon,
Smiling, Rejoicing this spontaneous moment.
I thought I'd rush to sleep, but the lake was calling me.
So I sang out to her, and graced the birds with my presence.
I am happy alone,
Happier among others,
Integrated with my surroundings,
Involved in community,
Able to take care.
I can do the splits in any situation,
Whether I'm among my kind or not,
I'm planting trees in a foreign land,
I'm smiling to my own darkness and light,
I'm the lady doing cartwheels in a field,
I am the young woman clowning at the festival,
I'm planting trees in a foreign land,
I'm smiling to my own darkness and light,
I'm the lady doing cartwheels in a field,
I am the young woman clowning at the festival,
And finding my calm in a hot tub.
Still that Northern Lights Woman I have come to be,
Dancing in the dark, giving my light to guide you to yours.
I am fun.
I am peace.
I am free.
Still that Northern Lights Woman I have come to be,
Dancing in the dark, giving my light to guide you to yours.
I am fun.
I am peace.
I am free.
I feel beautiful.
Courage...
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
I have so much to tell you...
"In that dream I'm as old as the mountains, still as starlight reflected in fountains... I will see you someday when I have woken, I'll be so happy just to have spoken. I'll have so much to tell you about it then."
-Fleet Foxes, Grown Ocean
I have been putting off this post for so long because I don't quite know how to put in words the inner awakening I feel I have experienced. The thing is, I felt so alert, so alive and awake, but this feeling comes and goes as it is something one must work toward maintaining.
Enlightened. Yes, I felt enlightened. I was hesitant to use this word as I thought maybe I was putting myself on my own little high horse, but I know what I felt and it was real.
After being in Hawaii, I spent a month with my sister who was a brand new momma to my nephew Cullen. Oh what a wonderful feeling it is to hold new life in your harms. Can you believe that helpless creature that can't even look you in the eye yet, you were once the same thing? It's amazing to think someone had to do all that for you once. Even more amazing is the thought that this little body you're holding in your arms has the potential to be so many things. He's a clean slate, a blank canvass. Nothing can match that feeling. When I have my own child to hold, I know it'll feel like that times ten because I'll be so relieved to get that darned thing out of my body!
My new momma sister makes me want to be a momma someday too! I know I'll make a great mother someday- even today, for that matter, but I have so much to learn so I can share with them :) And a wild woman spirit I feel called to satisfy!
After being with my sister, I got to visit friend in Winnipeg for a couple days. The ride there was a bit of a adventure... the greyhound was more comfortable than I might have thought, with Wifi and a few new friends to talk to along the way!
Being in Winnipeg felt like a big rollercoaster of emotions, learning to let go of relationships how I knew them, letting go all together of the life I once had. It was a big step in my growth, and I might have held on to some things had I not gone back on this trip.
Following this trip was another personal adventure westward! I ran out of money, so the bus wasn't a great option and rideshare, again, didn't work out like I had hoped, so I decided that it was my time to hitch hike. My first ride happened to be a good friend of one of my closest friends! I texted a few friends in Regina and next I knew I had 3 options of places to stay. I was off to a good start.
I really enjoyed hitch hiking alone. Every part of it actually...
- waiting (I danced to my ipod, made a lot of people smile on the way.)
- talking (making conversations with total strangers made for some new subjects I hadn't yet considered and learning in a new way
- perspective (talking about things in a way I might not have seen otherwise)
- stopping in places I'd never think to go to - like a pine forest just to take pictures of ourselves doing yoga poses in a forest!
- not having to drive, but being a source of entertainment for the driver
- experiencing how people care about one another, whether they are kin or not
When I got to Calgary, a Couchsurfing host was waiting for me in their home! (www.Couchsurfing.com is soooooo great...) A lovely couple, with so much to share about their travel in India and many other places. They love doing active outdoor activities just like me too!
I also met a young man from the Couchsurfing website who is from Egypt. A few days later , I met another fella from Israel and saw them at the same time. It was so interesting to hear them speaking about the Israel-Palestinian conflict from both sides, each with so much passion but also curiosity.
Well, I spent a few days in Calgary with my new friends who all really made me feel well cared for, to a point where I thought about living in Calgary because I liked how these friends lived so much...
Then I was off to a new adventure. An adventure of inner awakening...
Monday, April 27, 2015
Why Travel?
February 22
Why do I travel?
For me it's not a matter of where I go, but what I experience and what I come to know.
Its a matter of integrating in new places so I learn new ways of life that I can incorporate into my own.
For me, it's about embracing the beautiful nature that a place has to offer- in the land and the people.
I'm learning about myself in the process of re adapting in new conditions.
It doesn't matter in my life if I ever make it to every continent or if I visit all the places on my list of interests. It only matters that I learned what I could from every moment in life and that It all gave me a sustainable pleasure in life that I could carry everywhere I go.
So on this trip, I'm not eating out. I'm not buying souvenirs. I'm not paying to be guided on anything.
I'm just living in this beautiful place for as long as I can and instead of shopping, I'll put my time and efforts in connecting with people, nature and community.
I came to Hawaii thinking that it would be a time I would be taking purely for myself.
I had thought that I would be reading, writing and being at peace with myself.
At some point, however, I realized that my peace is in community. When I am giving to something, then I can be at peace with myself. I've learned that it's in my nature to be part of community and I really just want to give back to the community wherever I go. Especially when she offers me such immense beauty in her own nature!
Hoping to show Maui community and land a Thank you with my hands because the spirit doesn't know words. It only knows actions and intentions.
Why do I travel?
For me it's not a matter of where I go, but what I experience and what I come to know.
Its a matter of integrating in new places so I learn new ways of life that I can incorporate into my own.
For me, it's about embracing the beautiful nature that a place has to offer- in the land and the people.
I'm learning about myself in the process of re adapting in new conditions.
It doesn't matter in my life if I ever make it to every continent or if I visit all the places on my list of interests. It only matters that I learned what I could from every moment in life and that It all gave me a sustainable pleasure in life that I could carry everywhere I go.
So on this trip, I'm not eating out. I'm not buying souvenirs. I'm not paying to be guided on anything.
I'm just living in this beautiful place for as long as I can and instead of shopping, I'll put my time and efforts in connecting with people, nature and community.
I came to Hawaii thinking that it would be a time I would be taking purely for myself.
I had thought that I would be reading, writing and being at peace with myself.
At some point, however, I realized that my peace is in community. When I am giving to something, then I can be at peace with myself. I've learned that it's in my nature to be part of community and I really just want to give back to the community wherever I go. Especially when she offers me such immense beauty in her own nature!
Hoping to show Maui community and land a Thank you with my hands because the spirit doesn't know words. It only knows actions and intentions.
Straddling a palm tree
February 24
Today I sit here, with the sunset, straddling a palm tree, coconut in hand. As the coconut falls, I consider hopping down to get it, but the palm tree, perfectly shaped to lie on, facing the sunset, is just too comfortable.
So I stay a while. I take it in. Mmmm. This is the most satisfying evening activity yet....
The sun slowly takes cover and the skies lose their vibrancy.
So I hop off this tree, I kiss it, thank it and I take a seed. It's a young coconut, filled with sweet nourishing liquid life.
I can't help but to just take it in.
It's so simple, but so satisfying.
In this moment, I am present.
So I stay a while. I take it in. Mmmm. This is the most satisfying evening activity yet....
The sun slowly takes cover and the skies lose their vibrancy.
So I hop off this tree, I kiss it, thank it and I take a seed. It's a young coconut, filled with sweet nourishing liquid life.
I can't help but to just take it in.
It's so simple, but so satisfying.
In this moment, I am present.
Cheers to tears for open hearts
February 28
I spent a few nights in Hana, Hawaii with a beautiful new friend I will forever cherish!
The road to Hana is quite famous. You couldn't possibly go to Maui and not hear about the windy narrow roads on steep cliffs of lush rainforest. Well, I love nature, but nothing could beat what I felt from human nature here.
My friend and I were walking around looking for... nothing at all really, and we came across this beautiful Hawaiian home by the ocean. My friend approached her, and we chatted with her for a while. She told us a lot about her life, losing her husband and her house. But the community came together and paid for her house. Her family lives near her so she's not alone and she continues to believe in the beauty of mankind. In the middle of our conversation, she offered her phone number and asked if I would look after her place while she went away on vacation. My jaw dropped. I already had plans, but I was so awe-struck by the openess and trust this woman had for strangers that she could see goodness in from a short interaction. She just... knew we were okay, and opened us into her house with an open heart.
As my friend and I walked away I started crying. "Wow, that was so kind of her. So trusting... so..." and we proceeded to converse about childishness and childlike qualities. Childishness is seen as negative - someone who needs to "grow up", but some childlike qualities, like innocence includes the ability to be open and silly without worry of others. We agreed that we could feel these qualities come out in ourselves from childlike qualities like openness and trust. I felt this of the woman that offered so much knowing so little of us, but I consistently felt this of the land.
Hawaii is not a great landmass, but it is so desirable because it gives so much promise, fertility, growth and healing. But what people don't realize is that Hawaii is young and very fragile. The island is far from sustaining itself and people are damaging it very rapidly by taking it's resources without much thought about a sustainable future.
I'm not sure I have the best way of giving these words today, but Hana is considered the heart of Hawaii because it is primarily populated by Hawaiians and they work hard to keep it small and community-oriented. People here work together to build houses, to get together, and yes, to relax.
I can't say I have much insight, however, as I only saw a glimpse of what there is to see in a short period of time. In fact, I felt very much like a tourist in Hana, except when I met a man who suggested volunteering with some great people near Hana.
Well, I never volunteered with them, though I tried to find them! Instead I found another farm that suited my time constraints a bit better.
I spent a few nights in Hana, Hawaii with a beautiful new friend I will forever cherish!
The road to Hana is quite famous. You couldn't possibly go to Maui and not hear about the windy narrow roads on steep cliffs of lush rainforest. Well, I love nature, but nothing could beat what I felt from human nature here.
My friend and I were walking around looking for... nothing at all really, and we came across this beautiful Hawaiian home by the ocean. My friend approached her, and we chatted with her for a while. She told us a lot about her life, losing her husband and her house. But the community came together and paid for her house. Her family lives near her so she's not alone and she continues to believe in the beauty of mankind. In the middle of our conversation, she offered her phone number and asked if I would look after her place while she went away on vacation. My jaw dropped. I already had plans, but I was so awe-struck by the openess and trust this woman had for strangers that she could see goodness in from a short interaction. She just... knew we were okay, and opened us into her house with an open heart.
As my friend and I walked away I started crying. "Wow, that was so kind of her. So trusting... so..." and we proceeded to converse about childishness and childlike qualities. Childishness is seen as negative - someone who needs to "grow up", but some childlike qualities, like innocence includes the ability to be open and silly without worry of others. We agreed that we could feel these qualities come out in ourselves from childlike qualities like openness and trust. I felt this of the woman that offered so much knowing so little of us, but I consistently felt this of the land.
Hawaii is not a great landmass, but it is so desirable because it gives so much promise, fertility, growth and healing. But what people don't realize is that Hawaii is young and very fragile. The island is far from sustaining itself and people are damaging it very rapidly by taking it's resources without much thought about a sustainable future.
I'm not sure I have the best way of giving these words today, but Hana is considered the heart of Hawaii because it is primarily populated by Hawaiians and they work hard to keep it small and community-oriented. People here work together to build houses, to get together, and yes, to relax.
I can't say I have much insight, however, as I only saw a glimpse of what there is to see in a short period of time. In fact, I felt very much like a tourist in Hana, except when I met a man who suggested volunteering with some great people near Hana.
Well, I never volunteered with them, though I tried to find them! Instead I found another farm that suited my time constraints a bit better.
Northern Lights Woman
March 5, 2015
It rained today, and, since all activities are based on outdoor activities in sunshine, this can prove to be a challenge in Hawaii unless you have indoor activities or you go on and rough it.
My conclusion today? That fun comes from within...
I went to Baldwin beach with a new friend, met some new folks that differ from the people I often associate with. At first I was a bit intimidated. Then, after talking to a few people I still felt a bit guarded, but more comfortable. Someone said they had a ukulele, I asked them to play and next I knew I was dancing and playing harmonica while a man played the ukulele and made up his own lyrics about making the best of things.
It wasn't just me, but I think I sparked it. And so I felt that once again, I fell into that role I discovered as a young adult as the northern lights woman. The one who dances in the dark. I played and experienced wonder and brightness at a cold, bitter time.
My conclusion today? That fun comes from within...
I went to Baldwin beach with a new friend, met some new folks that differ from the people I often associate with. At first I was a bit intimidated. Then, after talking to a few people I still felt a bit guarded, but more comfortable. Someone said they had a ukulele, I asked them to play and next I knew I was dancing and playing harmonica while a man played the ukulele and made up his own lyrics about making the best of things.
It wasn't just me, but I think I sparked it. And so I felt that once again, I fell into that role I discovered as a young adult as the northern lights woman. The one who dances in the dark. I played and experienced wonder and brightness at a cold, bitter time.
Volunteering in a foreign land.
March 9, 2015
Sometimes we find far more than we're looking for, and sometimes we find so much when were not even looking.
I know that life gives me exactly what I need most to live and grow.
Ask for a flower and sometimes you get a garden.
Thank you world! Hard work and perseverance pays off!
Volunteering in Hawaii not only gave me a sense of purpose, places to go and things to do, but allowed me to meet really great people that want to be a part of making the world a better place. I love the people in Hawaii and how open they are, but from a whole perspective, I wonder if the cultural ways are actually sustainable. I volunteer because I want to make an imprint everywhere I go, but in Hawaii, I really feel that people come to leave something behind, to let go of worry and indulge. I have a problem with indulgence, because it is what we desire and it can be wasteful, unsatisfactory, unhealthy and unsustainable.
Well, we all have our moments where we allow ourselves to indulge in something- there's no denying that, but I feel it's imperative that we make an effort to live symbiotically with the environment, surroundings and community. Our relationships with people are just as important as our relationships with the land, and our communities, everyone just prioritizes differently.
I'm in this picture with South Maui Volunteers! I'm doing the Shaka sign (which is 'hang loose') and beside me is a new friend I made who offered to take me kayaking, lend me a bike and more! One day we put together a nice bench on the beach. This time we cut back the naupaka (a native hawaiian plant) as it unfortunately tends to take over sandy areas. It's a very neat plant though
Sometimes we find far more than we're looking for, and sometimes we find so much when were not even looking.
I know that life gives me exactly what I need most to live and grow.
Ask for a flower and sometimes you get a garden.
Thank you world! Hard work and perseverance pays off!
Volunteering in Hawaii not only gave me a sense of purpose, places to go and things to do, but allowed me to meet really great people that want to be a part of making the world a better place. I love the people in Hawaii and how open they are, but from a whole perspective, I wonder if the cultural ways are actually sustainable. I volunteer because I want to make an imprint everywhere I go, but in Hawaii, I really feel that people come to leave something behind, to let go of worry and indulge. I have a problem with indulgence, because it is what we desire and it can be wasteful, unsatisfactory, unhealthy and unsustainable.
Well, we all have our moments where we allow ourselves to indulge in something- there's no denying that, but I feel it's imperative that we make an effort to live symbiotically with the environment, surroundings and community. Our relationships with people are just as important as our relationships with the land, and our communities, everyone just prioritizes differently.
I'm in this picture with South Maui Volunteers! I'm doing the Shaka sign (which is 'hang loose') and beside me is a new friend I made who offered to take me kayaking, lend me a bike and more! One day we put together a nice bench on the beach. This time we cut back the naupaka (a native hawaiian plant) as it unfortunately tends to take over sandy areas. It's a very neat plant though
Monday, April 13, 2015
Transplanting, seed finding, seed planting...
March 18
I had planned to drive to Olinda the night before a great adventure to the Maui Forest Bird Recovery Project in Olinda, which is up a steep, windy road. For some reason, I put it off all day. I could not get myself going, even though I was really looking forward to going on this trip.
There was a certain point that I realized, that for no reason I could explain, I felt that something bad was going to happen. What? No idea. When? soon... I had this really vague premonition that something challenging was coming to me. I called my mom. I didn't realize it was 3AM in Ontario but my mom seemed to know I needed her help, so she didn't even react and she answered right away. Well, mom's sometimes know best. She knew what to say to make me realize what I needed to do. Somehow, without saying much at all, Mom made me feel better. And at that point, after trying to find my way in the dark and in pouring rain, I was exhausted and in tears because I thought someone was going to die. So I decided sleep was all I needed. I parked the car on the side of a road and slept.I woke at 4AM and drove up the mountain, with time to spare before I would hop into a truck then a helicopter for my 5-day volunteer planting trip in Hawaii. I was scared, but I decided that this fear did not serve me and if I was going to die, I'd rather die knowing that I did something I felt proud of.
Ōhiʻa trees are a personal favourite since they're so crucial to the endemic forest bird populations and they're really beautiful trees, with or without the flower. First of all, they grow in a wild, windy, mazelike fashion. Sometimes I got dizzy trying to follow the branches all the way to the end. Every tree looks so different, but the leaves are teardrop shaped and they look similar to the Ohello (will describe later.) The flowers, which actually have a different name, (Lehua) are a fascinating sight. It's a wonder why there aren't, to my knowledge, Ohia trees planted all over the world for it's beauty. The flowers I saw were all red (on other islands they're often yellow) and they look a bit like cartoon flames, with strings of red from each bud. The honeycreepers (birds) we were meaning to help recover rely on this tree for the nectar. Unfortunately, since there are so many other plant species (strawberry guava, for example) that have taken over the Hawaiian forests, as Ohia trees have decreased, so have the birds.
Māmane are shrubs that generally grow in mid to high elevation. We were planting in high elevation, so all the plants mentioned grow in high elevations. The leaves are a bit fern-like, and the branches are woody. They have yellow flowers, but I didn't see any flowering as, on Maui, they tend to flower in the summer time.
Ōhelo are Hawaiian blueberries. When they're young, they look very similar to the Ohia trees, but ohelo leaves are a bit more jagged. Ohelos are interesting because there seem to be so many varieties of them within the forest. I definitely saw at least three kinds that looked like totally different plants with similarly shaped leaves. What I love about Ohelo, is that the leaves themselves look like flowers! When the new leaves come in, they are often red and they grow in shape kind of similar to a tulip.. beautiful! I didn't find any berries though! Though we did find Kolea (another tree) berries, which are very hard to find!
ʻĀkala, or hawaiian raspberry, is a gentler version of what we know as a thorny plant. The thorns are soft, but the branches, unlike the look-a-like blackberry bushes, are woody. They can grow very tall and long and they provide yummy berries, of course. However, thimbleberries (originating from Jamaica) are much more abundant in the forests and tasty but not all that sweet. There was a really great patch of thimbleberries right by the lua (toilet) at the camp and it was SO tempting to eat some. When I realized that they were likely covered in human pee, I stayed away though.
Two 'iliahi (hawaiian Sandalwood) trees were also planted on our trip. Unfortunately, because sandalwood was so sought after for some time, there isn't much of it left! And it looks very similar to the Kolea tree, with subtle differences in the leaves.
Last, but not least, we planted ʻAʻaliʻi, which is generally a dwarf shrub. They also differ a lot from plant to plant. The leaf colours vary from light green, dark green and some red. The leaves and fruits were used in lei making and the wood sinks so it was used for bait sticks in fishing. I've also read that it can be used as a topical medicine for ringworm and a tonic. (http://nativeplants.hawaii.edu/plant/view/Dodonaea_viscosa)
We finished planting a whole day early since planting in erosion scars was much faster than they had thought it would be. So we got to spend a whole day walking through the woods looking for seeds. Well, it was worth it to go for the planting, but walking around to find seeds was so much fun because it felt like exploration. And, of course, we were planting in areas that needed more vegetation, so there wasn't a whole lot. Upon exploring, everything I saw around me was so new. We couldn't walk more than 5 minutes without me asking another question about the plants around me. "Is this akala?... whoa! What is that!?!?!" The plant life in the gulches is very diverse and rich, I suppose because it is more moist and feral grazers cannot get to these places.
Now I don't think this kind of volunteer opportunity arises often. The people that work for Maui Forest Bird Recovery Project are very organized and well educated professionals. They do all their work very methodically, leaving nothing unwritten. It was a real honour to be part of the operation, as I felt our work was very goal oriented and beneficial to the environment.
I recall pausing in moments of planting trees to think: this is what I want to be a part of. I need to be doing more hands on conservation like this to do my part.
I want to conserve the land, and I feel as humans, it should be more accessible. More of us need to be doing our part to offset our carbon footprint one way or another, and there's no better way to do so than to help a forest recover from damage that we created.
Native Hawaii is not the tropical Hawaii you think of. The mountainside is actually more grasslike (though most of the grass, even in the native forests, is actually non-native...) with trees that grow up and outward, and some, with branches that grow in maze-like formations. The native plants we put in the ground were all grown from seeds harvested from the lands near where they are planted, grown in a nursery in Maui for about 2 years, then shipped by heli-ops to the place where they are hand planted. We used augers to dig holes (until they all died, and we used o'os (I don't know the English word for that, but it's essentially a big medal pole with a flat end that you have to manually turn.)
By the end of the trip, I didn't particularly want to leave, so I was on my way to start the car...
The car wouldn't start. I laughed, I was relieved. This was my premonition. Oh golly, what a HUGE relief. My family wasn't going to die, I wasn't going to break a leg, the helicopter wasn't going to crash... Now getting the car home, I could figure it out.
So I stayed at MBFRP another night. In the morning, I went with my new bird friends to a forest reserve near Haleakala that is closed to the public as it is for researchers and supervised guests only. They provided binoculars too! On our beautiful slow stroll, we were near all 6 honeycreepers! We just didn't see any kiwikiu (Maui Parrotbill) (but heard them!) They are quite rare as they reproduce slowly (I believe there are only about 500!)
We saw apapane (red birds, we saw them in the mountains too. They have a great variety of songs so they're interesting to listen to :)), Akohekohe, crested honeycreepers (they look so cool! They're black with what looks like yellow mohawks. Their song sounds a lot like a robot. It's really neat to hear. They are also quite rare), I'Iwiwi (they're bright red and they have longer, more curved beaks), Alauahio and Amakihi (both of these are smaller yellow birds, but they move differently. One likes to creep along trees). I read that scientists hypothesize there used to be over 56 honeycreepers in the past. (http://www.usgs.gov/newsroom/article.asp?ID=2224&from=rss_home#.VSyPgPnF-So) These birds are particularly sensitive to climate change because as the weather changes, the mosquitoes have more breeding grounds and more birds migrate to Hawaii, which means more competition for the honeycreepers and many, like the kiwikiu, cannot reproduce fast enough to adapt.
If you want to read more about the birds, I highly recommend checking out the MBFRP website :) http://mauiforestbirds.org/articles/1
And the next day I tested the car to see if it would start and who knew, it started! So I drove it home and decided to stop driving it since. Instead, I began to hitch hike anywhere I needed to go on Maui and I'm super glad I did! (You'll find out later why hitch hiking was a great experience.)
I had planned to drive to Olinda the night before a great adventure to the Maui Forest Bird Recovery Project in Olinda, which is up a steep, windy road. For some reason, I put it off all day. I could not get myself going, even though I was really looking forward to going on this trip.
There was a certain point that I realized, that for no reason I could explain, I felt that something bad was going to happen. What? No idea. When? soon... I had this really vague premonition that something challenging was coming to me. I called my mom. I didn't realize it was 3AM in Ontario but my mom seemed to know I needed her help, so she didn't even react and she answered right away. Well, mom's sometimes know best. She knew what to say to make me realize what I needed to do. Somehow, without saying much at all, Mom made me feel better. And at that point, after trying to find my way in the dark and in pouring rain, I was exhausted and in tears because I thought someone was going to die. So I decided sleep was all I needed. I parked the car on the side of a road and slept.I woke at 4AM and drove up the mountain, with time to spare before I would hop into a truck then a helicopter for my 5-day volunteer planting trip in Hawaii. I was scared, but I decided that this fear did not serve me and if I was going to die, I'd rather die knowing that I did something I felt proud of.
As an example of the plant life, the koa tree has what appears to be leaves (which are actually branches) that are comparable to the shape of eucalyptus leaves, a yellow puff-like flower and gray bark. The name Koa means warrior, as these trees are the biggest of the endemic species and they grow really quickly. Also, where you see multiple koas near each other, it is often rooted from one mother plant, so they are all connected. They're sensitive to trauma on the bark (so don't hit it with a lawn mower or weed wacker) and they generally grow in high elevations. They are also nitrogen fixing and benefit from being planted near other endemic Hawaiian plants. (By the way endemic means they're only existent in one place (being Hawaii.)
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| Koa Trees |
Ōhiʻa trees are a personal favourite since they're so crucial to the endemic forest bird populations and they're really beautiful trees, with or without the flower. First of all, they grow in a wild, windy, mazelike fashion. Sometimes I got dizzy trying to follow the branches all the way to the end. Every tree looks so different, but the leaves are teardrop shaped and they look similar to the Ohello (will describe later.) The flowers, which actually have a different name, (Lehua) are a fascinating sight. It's a wonder why there aren't, to my knowledge, Ohia trees planted all over the world for it's beauty. The flowers I saw were all red (on other islands they're often yellow) and they look a bit like cartoon flames, with strings of red from each bud. The honeycreepers (birds) we were meaning to help recover rely on this tree for the nectar. Unfortunately, since there are so many other plant species (strawberry guava, for example) that have taken over the Hawaiian forests, as Ohia trees have decreased, so have the birds.
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| The ohia flower, Lehua. There's a Hawaiian legend that tells us not to pick these as it separates lovers. |
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| Ohia tree. Magical! |
Māmane are shrubs that generally grow in mid to high elevation. We were planting in high elevation, so all the plants mentioned grow in high elevations. The leaves are a bit fern-like, and the branches are woody. They have yellow flowers, but I didn't see any flowering as, on Maui, they tend to flower in the summer time.
Ōhelo are Hawaiian blueberries. When they're young, they look very similar to the Ohia trees, but ohelo leaves are a bit more jagged. Ohelos are interesting because there seem to be so many varieties of them within the forest. I definitely saw at least three kinds that looked like totally different plants with similarly shaped leaves. What I love about Ohelo, is that the leaves themselves look like flowers! When the new leaves come in, they are often red and they grow in shape kind of similar to a tulip.. beautiful! I didn't find any berries though! Though we did find Kolea (another tree) berries, which are very hard to find!
ʻĀkala, or hawaiian raspberry, is a gentler version of what we know as a thorny plant. The thorns are soft, but the branches, unlike the look-a-like blackberry bushes, are woody. They can grow very tall and long and they provide yummy berries, of course. However, thimbleberries (originating from Jamaica) are much more abundant in the forests and tasty but not all that sweet. There was a really great patch of thimbleberries right by the lua (toilet) at the camp and it was SO tempting to eat some. When I realized that they were likely covered in human pee, I stayed away though.
Two 'iliahi (hawaiian Sandalwood) trees were also planted on our trip. Unfortunately, because sandalwood was so sought after for some time, there isn't much of it left! And it looks very similar to the Kolea tree, with subtle differences in the leaves.
Last, but not least, we planted ʻAʻaliʻi, which is generally a dwarf shrub. They also differ a lot from plant to plant. The leaf colours vary from light green, dark green and some red. The leaves and fruits were used in lei making and the wood sinks so it was used for bait sticks in fishing. I've also read that it can be used as a topical medicine for ringworm and a tonic. (http://nativeplants.hawaii.edu/plant/view/Dodonaea_viscosa)
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| Aalii on the left, Ohia (and probably some ohelo as well) on the right These plants were grown in a nursery on Maui for about 2 years. |
We finished planting a whole day early since planting in erosion scars was much faster than they had thought it would be. So we got to spend a whole day walking through the woods looking for seeds. Well, it was worth it to go for the planting, but walking around to find seeds was so much fun because it felt like exploration. And, of course, we were planting in areas that needed more vegetation, so there wasn't a whole lot. Upon exploring, everything I saw around me was so new. We couldn't walk more than 5 minutes without me asking another question about the plants around me. "Is this akala?... whoa! What is that!?!?!" The plant life in the gulches is very diverse and rich, I suppose because it is more moist and feral grazers cannot get to these places.
Now I don't think this kind of volunteer opportunity arises often. The people that work for Maui Forest Bird Recovery Project are very organized and well educated professionals. They do all their work very methodically, leaving nothing unwritten. It was a real honour to be part of the operation, as I felt our work was very goal oriented and beneficial to the environment.
I recall pausing in moments of planting trees to think: this is what I want to be a part of. I need to be doing more hands on conservation like this to do my part.
I want to conserve the land, and I feel as humans, it should be more accessible. More of us need to be doing our part to offset our carbon footprint one way or another, and there's no better way to do so than to help a forest recover from damage that we created.
Native Hawaii is not the tropical Hawaii you think of. The mountainside is actually more grasslike (though most of the grass, even in the native forests, is actually non-native...) with trees that grow up and outward, and some, with branches that grow in maze-like formations. The native plants we put in the ground were all grown from seeds harvested from the lands near where they are planted, grown in a nursery in Maui for about 2 years, then shipped by heli-ops to the place where they are hand planted. We used augers to dig holes (until they all died, and we used o'os (I don't know the English word for that, but it's essentially a big medal pole with a flat end that you have to manually turn.)
It's so cool to know all about these Hawaiian plants! It reminded me how much I love botany and made me think really hard about maybe going to school to take biology and botany and pursue further work in conservation. I really felt this when I was travelling in the Yukon, even fantasized about harvesting medicine for a living. On this planting trip, I noticed that even through harsh conditions, I felt good about what I was doing and really enjoyed it. The people that worked with MFBRP all seem to seriously sincerely enjoy their jobs and their lives and they are really patient, informative and kind. They really take care of you as volunteers on top of that! Oh and I had a blast laughing with them over a silly card game.
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By the end of the trip, I didn't particularly want to leave, so I was on my way to start the car...
The car wouldn't start. I laughed, I was relieved. This was my premonition. Oh golly, what a HUGE relief. My family wasn't going to die, I wasn't going to break a leg, the helicopter wasn't going to crash... Now getting the car home, I could figure it out.
So I stayed at MBFRP another night. In the morning, I went with my new bird friends to a forest reserve near Haleakala that is closed to the public as it is for researchers and supervised guests only. They provided binoculars too! On our beautiful slow stroll, we were near all 6 honeycreepers! We just didn't see any kiwikiu (Maui Parrotbill) (but heard them!) They are quite rare as they reproduce slowly (I believe there are only about 500!)
We saw apapane (red birds, we saw them in the mountains too. They have a great variety of songs so they're interesting to listen to :)), Akohekohe, crested honeycreepers (they look so cool! They're black with what looks like yellow mohawks. Their song sounds a lot like a robot. It's really neat to hear. They are also quite rare), I'Iwiwi (they're bright red and they have longer, more curved beaks), Alauahio and Amakihi (both of these are smaller yellow birds, but they move differently. One likes to creep along trees). I read that scientists hypothesize there used to be over 56 honeycreepers in the past. (http://www.usgs.gov/newsroom/article.asp?ID=2224&from=rss_home#.VSyPgPnF-So) These birds are particularly sensitive to climate change because as the weather changes, the mosquitoes have more breeding grounds and more birds migrate to Hawaii, which means more competition for the honeycreepers and many, like the kiwikiu, cannot reproduce fast enough to adapt.
If you want to read more about the birds, I highly recommend checking out the MBFRP website :) http://mauiforestbirds.org/articles/1
And the next day I tested the car to see if it would start and who knew, it started! So I drove it home and decided to stop driving it since. Instead, I began to hitch hike anywhere I needed to go on Maui and I'm super glad I did! (You'll find out later why hitch hiking was a great experience.)
Who knew a 5-day volunteer could teach you so much about a place, plants and oneself. I really felt that this opportunity guided me toward considering a whole new career path I had never previously considered: conservation. I want to get my hands dirty, go to the places people don't get to explore and be part of offsetting our carbon footprints. I don't just want to aimlessly put trees in the ground. I want to be part of finding solutions that secure a better future for the recovery of nature.
Now, this doesn't mean I love people any less or that I don't want to massage,but somehow I want to incorporate my love of plants with my love of people. Perhaps I'll be doing conservation in northern Canada and leading educational tours, hiking expeditions, anything with a greater purpose for a sustainable future. I hope to find volunteerism or some way to give back like I did in Maui in every place I go to.
I metaphorically planted a seed when I planted these trees. I'd say I found that seed when I was in the Yukon, exploring the diverse plantlife in the trails, but on the mountains of Nakula Forest preserve I planted it somewhere. I imagine that plant might grow in Norway (that's where my mind has been.) Or Iceland, maybe Northern Canada somewhere as I've been feeling a connection to the arctic. We'll see... the world has it's ways of giving us exactly what we need if we're calling for it!
Now, this doesn't mean I love people any less or that I don't want to massage,but somehow I want to incorporate my love of plants with my love of people. Perhaps I'll be doing conservation in northern Canada and leading educational tours, hiking expeditions, anything with a greater purpose for a sustainable future. I hope to find volunteerism or some way to give back like I did in Maui in every place I go to.
I metaphorically planted a seed when I planted these trees. I'd say I found that seed when I was in the Yukon, exploring the diverse plantlife in the trails, but on the mountains of Nakula Forest preserve I planted it somewhere. I imagine that plant might grow in Norway (that's where my mind has been.) Or Iceland, maybe Northern Canada somewhere as I've been feeling a connection to the arctic. We'll see... the world has it's ways of giving us exactly what we need if we're calling for it!
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| Fascinating how it appears there is a new tree within a tree! Koa!!! |
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| Cliff near the camp! |
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| Planting view. Before we went up in the helicopter we saw whales breaching in the water. Golly were they active that morning! |
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| Getting back on the helicopter from camp |
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| My first helicopter ride |
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| The soil on the erosion scar |
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| Camp! |
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| The cliff by the gulch right by camp! |
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| A satisfied, rugged Stacey in Hawaii |
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Driven by Fear
There are many times that I feel intimidated by the thought of a certain experience.
Solo camping, for instance. Logically, I think - why don't I ever do this when I think of it so often? For some reason, being alone in the woods is something that seems so overwhelming because it's unfamiliar territory, quiet and a confrontation of the worst.. our selves.
The expression 'being afraid of your own shadow', is interesting to me, because what I'm learning is that the scariest thing of all is, in fact, my own shadow. My own silence.
In my early adulthood, I've learned to notice when I am intimidated by a certain experience and analyze why I'm intimidated and know what it is that I fear. Once I learn what it is that I fear, I wonder if this fear is useful to me. If it isn't, this is more reason to take on this experience to seek out personal growth. I suppose this is why a friend of mine told me she thought I was brave.
"Maybe," "I said, "but the truth is, in everything I've ever done, I have never had to take risks I wouldn't be able to deal with. And it's not that I'm not scared. It's just that I prefer to face the fears that don't serve me."
Speaking in front of a crowd, for example. In the past, I was terrified. I knew there was no logical risk in doing so and yet, every time I did do I would rouge all over my chest and my face, stumble on my words, and I'd be shaking. Then I became a teacher and the thought of speaking in front of others did not become so daunting.
Now, my fear is being alone. Taking care of myself. "Courage..."
The thought of sitting still for 10 days straight, for example, scares me has always made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Whenever I am alone, with no tasks at hand, I become anxious. I find solace in unhealthy behaviour like seeking company in Facebook or eating for the sake of eating. Why is it so hard for me to be still in my own thoughts?
I have no complaints about my life and I can't quite answer why yet, but the best solution is to find comfort in being alone. In my youthful experience, none of my experiences have been traumatic, I've had very few significant losses, and yet, the tiniest stress, like deciding what I'm going to do with my time causes anxiety that drives me to do things I know are not healthy.
And yet, here I am, fearful of the presence of my own shadow. What if I make the wrong decision?
Nothing is permanent though... and all things that can occur can only result in personal growth.
Growing up, I always found comfort in being around others, I always had somewhere, someone to run to for comfort.
I don't know where this fear of being alone or making the wrong choice by myself came, but I do know that the only way to overcome it is to get used to it. To face my fears.
So yes, I suppose you could say that I am driven by my own fears.
Hawaii was a great introduction to finding comfort in being alone. I learned that often, it requires less energy to please only me than it does to please others. I found that I actually really enjoy being in the woods alone, and doing various activities by myself is very satisfying. I found peace in the presence of myself in the forest or the ocean.
I embarked on a particular journey that most would find far more daunting than I even considered.
I had been meaning to go to Iao Valley for quite some time. Several times, I ended up going other places and once I drove up the road, only to find that it was far too rainy in the valley to have a nice leisurely walk. This time, however, I hitch hiked with my pack, thinking I could sleep there if I had to or wanted to- I just didn't want to worry about hitching in the dark.
Perfectly logical right?
A boy asked me as I was hiking up the concrete pavement toward the trail "Are you sleeping here? That would be AWESOME!"
I honestly said "Oh, I don't know, probably not..." Thinking I'd probably have time to hitch hike back without worry.
My decision began to waiver as I walked the trail. I took a nice detour, discovering a gorgeous lookout and sat and sang there for about 20 minutes. Singing seems to somehow detoxify me of all worry in a way I really can't explain. As I took a big breath of air, this was another occasion in Hawaii where I thought: "I could die here..." And not in a fearful or negative way. Death, as in a feeling of ultimate peace. I don't see death as a negative experience, generally.
I walked further down the trail and saw prints of wild boar. At this time, I was further along the trail and I hadn't seen any people in a while. My heart began to beat faster and I became more aware of my surroundings as I walked slower and listened for any movement around me. Not far from there, I stopped and sat down to calm my nerves. I texted a friend to ask what to do if I saw wild boar. He didn't answer, but as I was sitting, someone walked by me to ask if I was alright. "yeah, I'm totally fine, but do you know what to do if you encounter wild boar? I think I saw tracks."
In a typical Hawaiian fashion, he said "don't worry about it."
Later, my friend responded to my text telling me that i would pee my pants if I saw wild boar. Glad I didn't get that text in time...
So, with the reassurance of this man, I continued to walk the trail until I came to a beautiful outlook of the vast valley. I meditated for about 5 minutes before I got a little anxious about losing daylight. I thought about walking further, but thought if I was going to make it back home before dark, I had best be going. On the way back, I went to find a place to pee. In doing so, I found a perfect place to camp. It was not visible from the trail, easy enough for me to find with a natural marker, level and perfectly clear so that I wasn't killing any vegetation. I took it as a sign that I was invited to stay.
So I happily set up my tent and took a book down to the river to read and to collect water. (I don't generally recommend drinking unfiltered water, but freshwater from the mountains if often the cleanest water you'll find.)
My mini trek to the river was just so exciting and exhilarating. I was just in awe of the forest, of the water and of myself. I felt that I was exactly in the right place, at the right time. I was about to spend my first solo camping night in the Iao Valley of Maui.
And I had no idea, even then, what I was doing...
Back to my tent, I lay myself to rest maybe ten minutes before it started to pour rain. Ahhh, the comforting sound of rain at night when you're sheltered. I smiled some more... At some point in the night, I heard what I thought was some bustling in the forest. "It's just the rain," I thought... "or mongoose?" Then I thought of the boar prints. S#!$! Was it wild boar? No, that's not likely... So I put my head back to sleep.
A few minutes later I heard voices that sounded like minions fro Despicable me. I honestly wasn't even moderately frightened by this sound. "I must be dreaming," I thought to myself, "or it's mongoose." And I put my head back down to sleep. The next day I listened to mongoose on a youtube video. It definitely wasn't mongoose.
Later, I learned that Iao Valley is, as I felt, a very spirited place. There have been many wars in this valley, one where Hawaii was taken over. Another legend stated that there were so many deaths in this war, that the river was turned red. I was camping in what many would consider a haunted forest.
I wanted to be as respectful as possible when I was there, so I do recall unconsciously asking the forest if it was okay for me to stay. I left no trace, as always when camping, but in every moment I was there, I felt humbled by it's beauty and grace. And for whatever reason, the forest accepted my presence.
The rain stopped in the morning when it was time for me to leave, and finding a ride back to town didn't feel like a daunting task at all. I would have stayed longer, but since my gear was wet, I thought it would be best to go back to my place on the dry side of the island to let it dry. The trails were just too wet to venture too far.
I told my story to a neighbour friend and she was dumfounded. "Menehune, you must have heard the menehune," she said. "the little forest soldiers."
If I had known what I know now, I would have been so scared.
But I didn't. And I'm thankful I've had this beautiful unique experience that makes me feel so directly accepted by the earth.
I've never felt so at peace or calm as I did in those humbling moments singing "Colours of the wind" or dipping my feet in the cold water from the mountain. I've never felt so happy being alone as I did that day in Iao Valley. In a house, however, I have a very hard time being alone.
As an adult, the most sustainable way to find comfort is by finding it one's own mind. The tools you have in your mind are tools you can never lose, and no one could ever take that away from you. Furthermore, I believe that we can only rely on ourselves for satisfaction and inner peace. We must not seek others to make who we want to be. It is imperative to chose to be around people that set good examples, but in the end, you make your own decisions as to who you want to be.
To live in peace among others, we must first learn to trust ourselves. To trust ourselves, we must be aware of what limitations we set for ourselves and what we want to keep ourselves from or open ourselves to. And so, to find peace in myself, to break barriers that create needless limitations, I feel I am driven by my own fears.
I have no pictures that I took of Iao Valley (ipod ran out of memory.) I decided this was an experience I could capture with my mind and my words.
So here's a picture that I have a postcard of...
Credit: http://galleryhip.com/iao-valley-state-park.html
Solo camping, for instance. Logically, I think - why don't I ever do this when I think of it so often? For some reason, being alone in the woods is something that seems so overwhelming because it's unfamiliar territory, quiet and a confrontation of the worst.. our selves.
The expression 'being afraid of your own shadow', is interesting to me, because what I'm learning is that the scariest thing of all is, in fact, my own shadow. My own silence.
In my early adulthood, I've learned to notice when I am intimidated by a certain experience and analyze why I'm intimidated and know what it is that I fear. Once I learn what it is that I fear, I wonder if this fear is useful to me. If it isn't, this is more reason to take on this experience to seek out personal growth. I suppose this is why a friend of mine told me she thought I was brave.
"Maybe," "I said, "but the truth is, in everything I've ever done, I have never had to take risks I wouldn't be able to deal with. And it's not that I'm not scared. It's just that I prefer to face the fears that don't serve me."
Speaking in front of a crowd, for example. In the past, I was terrified. I knew there was no logical risk in doing so and yet, every time I did do I would rouge all over my chest and my face, stumble on my words, and I'd be shaking. Then I became a teacher and the thought of speaking in front of others did not become so daunting.
Now, my fear is being alone. Taking care of myself. "Courage..."
The thought of sitting still for 10 days straight, for example, scares me has always made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Whenever I am alone, with no tasks at hand, I become anxious. I find solace in unhealthy behaviour like seeking company in Facebook or eating for the sake of eating. Why is it so hard for me to be still in my own thoughts?
I have no complaints about my life and I can't quite answer why yet, but the best solution is to find comfort in being alone. In my youthful experience, none of my experiences have been traumatic, I've had very few significant losses, and yet, the tiniest stress, like deciding what I'm going to do with my time causes anxiety that drives me to do things I know are not healthy.
And yet, here I am, fearful of the presence of my own shadow. What if I make the wrong decision?
Nothing is permanent though... and all things that can occur can only result in personal growth.
Growing up, I always found comfort in being around others, I always had somewhere, someone to run to for comfort.
I don't know where this fear of being alone or making the wrong choice by myself came, but I do know that the only way to overcome it is to get used to it. To face my fears.
So yes, I suppose you could say that I am driven by my own fears.
Hawaii was a great introduction to finding comfort in being alone. I learned that often, it requires less energy to please only me than it does to please others. I found that I actually really enjoy being in the woods alone, and doing various activities by myself is very satisfying. I found peace in the presence of myself in the forest or the ocean.
I embarked on a particular journey that most would find far more daunting than I even considered.
I had been meaning to go to Iao Valley for quite some time. Several times, I ended up going other places and once I drove up the road, only to find that it was far too rainy in the valley to have a nice leisurely walk. This time, however, I hitch hiked with my pack, thinking I could sleep there if I had to or wanted to- I just didn't want to worry about hitching in the dark.
Perfectly logical right?
A boy asked me as I was hiking up the concrete pavement toward the trail "Are you sleeping here? That would be AWESOME!"
I honestly said "Oh, I don't know, probably not..." Thinking I'd probably have time to hitch hike back without worry.
My decision began to waiver as I walked the trail. I took a nice detour, discovering a gorgeous lookout and sat and sang there for about 20 minutes. Singing seems to somehow detoxify me of all worry in a way I really can't explain. As I took a big breath of air, this was another occasion in Hawaii where I thought: "I could die here..." And not in a fearful or negative way. Death, as in a feeling of ultimate peace. I don't see death as a negative experience, generally.
I walked further down the trail and saw prints of wild boar. At this time, I was further along the trail and I hadn't seen any people in a while. My heart began to beat faster and I became more aware of my surroundings as I walked slower and listened for any movement around me. Not far from there, I stopped and sat down to calm my nerves. I texted a friend to ask what to do if I saw wild boar. He didn't answer, but as I was sitting, someone walked by me to ask if I was alright. "yeah, I'm totally fine, but do you know what to do if you encounter wild boar? I think I saw tracks."
In a typical Hawaiian fashion, he said "don't worry about it."
Later, my friend responded to my text telling me that i would pee my pants if I saw wild boar. Glad I didn't get that text in time...
So, with the reassurance of this man, I continued to walk the trail until I came to a beautiful outlook of the vast valley. I meditated for about 5 minutes before I got a little anxious about losing daylight. I thought about walking further, but thought if I was going to make it back home before dark, I had best be going. On the way back, I went to find a place to pee. In doing so, I found a perfect place to camp. It was not visible from the trail, easy enough for me to find with a natural marker, level and perfectly clear so that I wasn't killing any vegetation. I took it as a sign that I was invited to stay.
So I happily set up my tent and took a book down to the river to read and to collect water. (I don't generally recommend drinking unfiltered water, but freshwater from the mountains if often the cleanest water you'll find.)
My mini trek to the river was just so exciting and exhilarating. I was just in awe of the forest, of the water and of myself. I felt that I was exactly in the right place, at the right time. I was about to spend my first solo camping night in the Iao Valley of Maui.
And I had no idea, even then, what I was doing...
Back to my tent, I lay myself to rest maybe ten minutes before it started to pour rain. Ahhh, the comforting sound of rain at night when you're sheltered. I smiled some more... At some point in the night, I heard what I thought was some bustling in the forest. "It's just the rain," I thought... "or mongoose?" Then I thought of the boar prints. S#!$! Was it wild boar? No, that's not likely... So I put my head back to sleep.
A few minutes later I heard voices that sounded like minions fro Despicable me. I honestly wasn't even moderately frightened by this sound. "I must be dreaming," I thought to myself, "or it's mongoose." And I put my head back down to sleep. The next day I listened to mongoose on a youtube video. It definitely wasn't mongoose.
Later, I learned that Iao Valley is, as I felt, a very spirited place. There have been many wars in this valley, one where Hawaii was taken over. Another legend stated that there were so many deaths in this war, that the river was turned red. I was camping in what many would consider a haunted forest.
I wanted to be as respectful as possible when I was there, so I do recall unconsciously asking the forest if it was okay for me to stay. I left no trace, as always when camping, but in every moment I was there, I felt humbled by it's beauty and grace. And for whatever reason, the forest accepted my presence.
The rain stopped in the morning when it was time for me to leave, and finding a ride back to town didn't feel like a daunting task at all. I would have stayed longer, but since my gear was wet, I thought it would be best to go back to my place on the dry side of the island to let it dry. The trails were just too wet to venture too far.
I told my story to a neighbour friend and she was dumfounded. "Menehune, you must have heard the menehune," she said. "the little forest soldiers."
If I had known what I know now, I would have been so scared.
But I didn't. And I'm thankful I've had this beautiful unique experience that makes me feel so directly accepted by the earth.
I've never felt so at peace or calm as I did in those humbling moments singing "Colours of the wind" or dipping my feet in the cold water from the mountain. I've never felt so happy being alone as I did that day in Iao Valley. In a house, however, I have a very hard time being alone.
To live in peace among others, we must first learn to trust ourselves. To trust ourselves, we must be aware of what limitations we set for ourselves and what we want to keep ourselves from or open ourselves to. And so, to find peace in myself, to break barriers that create needless limitations, I feel I am driven by my own fears.
I have no pictures that I took of Iao Valley (ipod ran out of memory.) I decided this was an experience I could capture with my mind and my words.
So here's a picture that I have a postcard of...
Credit: http://galleryhip.com/iao-valley-state-park.htmlMonday, April 6, 2015
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Reconnecting with a mother's womb
Since I failed to write while I was actually in Hawaii, (it was not so easy for me to write a lot on my ipod.) I'm going to have to write blurbs about my journey that are out of order and hopefully interesting to puzzle together as it is read.
Most days when I go on Facebook and I can't think of anything to write on my status, what comes to mind first is "I love." That's it. I only actually did that once. But if nothing at all, that's what I think. I think that's a good sign. On days that I feel blue, I think of these moments and I know I'm doing alright simply because I love... so many things, so many beings, so much life so much.
I have been posting thoughts on Facebook and I'm quite happy with what I've written.
This is a recent post... (edited)
Ease... When I seek to find ease in a moment, I think of swimming with the dolphins.
It was a childhood dream that came to me in real life.
I can picture it now- I'm there... In anticipation, I can't contain myself. My breathing changes, my arms, and thus my heart opens... The moment then comes where I come face to face with the creatures I've admired from thousands of miles away and everything just stops. I scream a bit, let some water into my mask. Whoops! I put my head under and suddenly, I'm not in awe, I'm not jumping for joy. I'm just... calm. I experience peace that feels deeper than the bottom of the ocean that I can see.
I watch, as if I've been here so many times before. They float so effortlessly through the water, with half their brains shut off. This bay is their sleeping place.
I, too, float effortlessly just above them. For once, I am on this planet with no resistance. No gravity to pull me down, no muscular output, just...rest. All I need to do in this moment is breathe and let my body float. It feels so natural, so simple.
No sound other than the whale song, a dolphin click, my breath, the oceans' breath. Just life.
My thoughts? Mmmm...
Only weeks later I hold a baby in my arms. It looks so blank- it can barely even see me- heck, even if it could, it wouldn't know what I am. It's been floating for the past 9 months and suddenly it must face the next 100 years or so of it's life resisting gravity. But it trusts. Somehow this baby knows it will be alright.
And so, I, too, must know that I will be alright, whether my mother- or the ocean- is holding me or not. If I want to sustain happiness, I must find this mother's womb within. This baby knows it will be alright, and the dolphins know they are safe, just floating on through the water without thought. I am at peace with my body, and calm in my surroundings. I don't always need to think.
Thank you Maui for bringing me back to my mother's womb, thank you baby, for reminding me of perspective and to the dolphins for helping me find ease. Thank you to myself for seeking opportunity and finding the perspective I need.
Today, I am in awe of life as I celebrate with new family.
I miss a family I once knew very much, but I know that I am loved nonetheless.
And I let the tears that need to flow move through me while I think of this new found ease. A mother's womb that I carry in my own consciousness.
Most days when I go on Facebook and I can't think of anything to write on my status, what comes to mind first is "I love." That's it. I only actually did that once. But if nothing at all, that's what I think. I think that's a good sign. On days that I feel blue, I think of these moments and I know I'm doing alright simply because I love... so many things, so many beings, so much life so much.
I have been posting thoughts on Facebook and I'm quite happy with what I've written.
This is a recent post... (edited)
Ease... When I seek to find ease in a moment, I think of swimming with the dolphins.
It was a childhood dream that came to me in real life.
I can picture it now- I'm there... In anticipation, I can't contain myself. My breathing changes, my arms, and thus my heart opens... The moment then comes where I come face to face with the creatures I've admired from thousands of miles away and everything just stops. I scream a bit, let some water into my mask. Whoops! I put my head under and suddenly, I'm not in awe, I'm not jumping for joy. I'm just... calm. I experience peace that feels deeper than the bottom of the ocean that I can see.
I watch, as if I've been here so many times before. They float so effortlessly through the water, with half their brains shut off. This bay is their sleeping place.
I, too, float effortlessly just above them. For once, I am on this planet with no resistance. No gravity to pull me down, no muscular output, just...rest. All I need to do in this moment is breathe and let my body float. It feels so natural, so simple.
No sound other than the whale song, a dolphin click, my breath, the oceans' breath. Just life.
My thoughts? Mmmm...
Only weeks later I hold a baby in my arms. It looks so blank- it can barely even see me- heck, even if it could, it wouldn't know what I am. It's been floating for the past 9 months and suddenly it must face the next 100 years or so of it's life resisting gravity. But it trusts. Somehow this baby knows it will be alright.
And so, I, too, must know that I will be alright, whether my mother- or the ocean- is holding me or not. If I want to sustain happiness, I must find this mother's womb within. This baby knows it will be alright, and the dolphins know they are safe, just floating on through the water without thought. I am at peace with my body, and calm in my surroundings. I don't always need to think.
Thank you Maui for bringing me back to my mother's womb, thank you baby, for reminding me of perspective and to the dolphins for helping me find ease. Thank you to myself for seeking opportunity and finding the perspective I need.
Today, I am in awe of life as I celebrate with new family.
I miss a family I once knew very much, but I know that I am loved nonetheless.
And I let the tears that need to flow move through me while I think of this new found ease. A mother's womb that I carry in my own consciousness.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Making Lemonade... courage
Ahh you know the old cliché "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!"
Well, this is exactly what I have become so good at as of late.
Right when I was feeling most settled, my view of my life in Winnipeg turned right around is so little time.
I was just getting home from the Yukon, things were so bright, and I was getting used to my life. Then, in months' time, I realized that there was something that wasn't quite right. I did everything I could to stay active, busy, healthy and to help my partner in any way I could.
Then there came a day when I felt angry with him for something so small.
That's when I realized what it was- I wasn't satisfied with the limitations of being in a relationship at this time in my life. There was no "one," he was my soulmate for the time I needed him to be. It wasn't that it "didn't work out," it was simply that our growth together had reached it's plateau and we were no longer learning what we needed to from each other. And so, we decided it was our time to part ways.
So I embarked on a new journey. This was shortly before Christmas, then I had exams. I found a lot of social outlets, kept myself busy, even doing hot yoga on a daily basis. I was handling it as best as I could and we remained on positive terms. It was truly the best possible separation as it was mutual and everything.
But when one leaves the comfort of what they know, there are always insecurities that follow.
Will I still be out camping like I've loved doing since we were together?
Will I ever learn to hunt and fish so get my own meat?
How can I continue to get outdoors if I don't have a car or a partner to go with?
Will I ever have homemade mayonnaise?????? HAHA! He loved his home made mayonnaise...
How can I get by as cheaply as possible on food?
Well, it's a process to unlearn habits, create new thought patterns and create a life for oneself. We were always quite independent and I made an effort to try to learn all the things I could from him as we went so that I could do these things for myself.
But when you're in a relationship, no matter how independent you are, the connection that binds you with another person is never easy to come over. Logically, I knew marriage was unreasonable as one's needs change in different times of their lives, and you don't know if a person will suit your needs the same way in another time- marriage is just a way of telling yourself you're comfortable and safe. (Even though divorce is always a possibility...) It's kind of a lie people tell themselves to make themselves feel like being invested in someone is worthy of their time. The truth is, we don't know if a person will be in our lives 10 years from now because people change. Needs, thoughts, habits change. Naturally.
Nonetheless, he and I grew together and we had habits together. I saw my life with him. Travel, a house, children... But he was never really interested in the things I wanted. Cultural travel, learning languages, breaking barriers, working with nature and people in new places... it never appealed to him. I always knew I'd have to leave him to pursue these dreams one day, but I really loved him, so I thought I could make it work.
So the whole thing made me reevaluate my life in Winnipeg. I found so much support in my community. My friends, my family, his family, my school, yoga- they were all so encouraging. Quickly I became interested in other men, in new activities (acro!) and, of course... TRAVEL. Well, Norway was on my mind first and foremost, but this is a trip that will require more planning as it costs a lot to get there- as anywhere across the ocean. Or so I thought....
Then a friend spoke to me about Maui, Hawaii.
Ohhh, I have to finish school, I said. Maybe I'll come for a bit. I was talking to a friend about a few things, what I wanted in life and what I felt I was lacking.
Self confidence was what I missed the most since he left. He didn't take it from me, but the security of his presence and financial contributions was very comfortable. I had no idea how I could make it work when he left. But then I realized, I had no house, no car- nothing to worry about if I left. I had enough money (not much) that I could take time off and explore. So when a friend offered me a place to stay in Hawaii, it was an offer I simply couldn't refuse.
"Courage," reads the tattoo of an old friend I reconnected with. In French, it means "take care," as well as being brave and determined. Courage is what I was seeking: the ability to be confident enough to take care of myself and to adapt in new situations.
And so, I embark on another journey to become more of the person I've always longed to be.
Well, this is exactly what I have become so good at as of late.
Right when I was feeling most settled, my view of my life in Winnipeg turned right around is so little time.
I was just getting home from the Yukon, things were so bright, and I was getting used to my life. Then, in months' time, I realized that there was something that wasn't quite right. I did everything I could to stay active, busy, healthy and to help my partner in any way I could.
Then there came a day when I felt angry with him for something so small.
That's when I realized what it was- I wasn't satisfied with the limitations of being in a relationship at this time in my life. There was no "one," he was my soulmate for the time I needed him to be. It wasn't that it "didn't work out," it was simply that our growth together had reached it's plateau and we were no longer learning what we needed to from each other. And so, we decided it was our time to part ways.
So I embarked on a new journey. This was shortly before Christmas, then I had exams. I found a lot of social outlets, kept myself busy, even doing hot yoga on a daily basis. I was handling it as best as I could and we remained on positive terms. It was truly the best possible separation as it was mutual and everything.
But when one leaves the comfort of what they know, there are always insecurities that follow.
Will I still be out camping like I've loved doing since we were together?
Will I ever learn to hunt and fish so get my own meat?
How can I continue to get outdoors if I don't have a car or a partner to go with?
Will I ever have homemade mayonnaise?????? HAHA! He loved his home made mayonnaise...
How can I get by as cheaply as possible on food?
Well, it's a process to unlearn habits, create new thought patterns and create a life for oneself. We were always quite independent and I made an effort to try to learn all the things I could from him as we went so that I could do these things for myself.
But when you're in a relationship, no matter how independent you are, the connection that binds you with another person is never easy to come over. Logically, I knew marriage was unreasonable as one's needs change in different times of their lives, and you don't know if a person will suit your needs the same way in another time- marriage is just a way of telling yourself you're comfortable and safe. (Even though divorce is always a possibility...) It's kind of a lie people tell themselves to make themselves feel like being invested in someone is worthy of their time. The truth is, we don't know if a person will be in our lives 10 years from now because people change. Needs, thoughts, habits change. Naturally.
Nonetheless, he and I grew together and we had habits together. I saw my life with him. Travel, a house, children... But he was never really interested in the things I wanted. Cultural travel, learning languages, breaking barriers, working with nature and people in new places... it never appealed to him. I always knew I'd have to leave him to pursue these dreams one day, but I really loved him, so I thought I could make it work.
So the whole thing made me reevaluate my life in Winnipeg. I found so much support in my community. My friends, my family, his family, my school, yoga- they were all so encouraging. Quickly I became interested in other men, in new activities (acro!) and, of course... TRAVEL. Well, Norway was on my mind first and foremost, but this is a trip that will require more planning as it costs a lot to get there- as anywhere across the ocean. Or so I thought....
Then a friend spoke to me about Maui, Hawaii.
Ohhh, I have to finish school, I said. Maybe I'll come for a bit. I was talking to a friend about a few things, what I wanted in life and what I felt I was lacking.
Self confidence was what I missed the most since he left. He didn't take it from me, but the security of his presence and financial contributions was very comfortable. I had no idea how I could make it work when he left. But then I realized, I had no house, no car- nothing to worry about if I left. I had enough money (not much) that I could take time off and explore. So when a friend offered me a place to stay in Hawaii, it was an offer I simply couldn't refuse.
"Courage," reads the tattoo of an old friend I reconnected with. In French, it means "take care," as well as being brave and determined. Courage is what I was seeking: the ability to be confident enough to take care of myself and to adapt in new situations.
And so, I embark on another journey to become more of the person I've always longed to be.
 |
| The wild woman I always wanted to be. Playing harmonica with the waves and the whales at Hookipa lookout! |
 |
| The woman that called me to come to Maui. I never would have thought of it if it weren't for her! |
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Life in Winnipeg, Life as an aquarius...
Ahhhh... Life in Winnipeg.
It's a beautiful town to me. I've lived the great majority of my adult life here so far. I have made many friends here and a lovely community of people I really love and trust. It's the place where I've found my first place of comfort in my own home. Friends that will stay with me in my heart forever. A strong love that just couldn't keep up with my wandering heart. And Winnipeg's music. I'm only just discovering the music...
Winnipeg is my home now, and I love it.
But after some recent life changes I believe I've decided that my heart wants to wander once again. My heart is telling me to do some more soul searching. To smell ocean air, to meditate, to play and dance and be with nature. I feel myself going to a very stable, sturdy career but I want to let go of responsiblity while I can, while I'm young and wild. I don't want that stable spot quite yet...
So I'm opening up to opportunity... And it feels so right. Raaaa I just want to run around and scream happy things!
I love home! I love what I do! I just want to love me! (and I do love me i just want to love being authentic me in every moment, which requires some alone ness, and some room for spontaneity... maybe possibly travel and space! And there's something about ocean air that I want to breathe.
At this time in my life, Winnipeg is my home and I love it. But I sense that some day my home will be by the sea in a small home far from too much noise. But that's a ways away!
Life in Winnipeg... I love Winnipeg but I won't forever be a prairie girl! Who knows! Maybe I won't forever be an ocean girl or a mountain girl... I'll just be water. Ebbing and flowing, shaping to whatever surroundings I so choose. Maybe I could make a home of any place I go. Maybe this is a skill I seek to find. Any which way, I love a lot about my surroundings and I'm excited to meet new surroundings, but I don't love some of what's inside, so I must let myself be free....
Lost heart! Soon to wander again!
And here is a video of me in the beginning of my travels in Maui, Hawaii...
It's a beautiful town to me. I've lived the great majority of my adult life here so far. I have made many friends here and a lovely community of people I really love and trust. It's the place where I've found my first place of comfort in my own home. Friends that will stay with me in my heart forever. A strong love that just couldn't keep up with my wandering heart. And Winnipeg's music. I'm only just discovering the music...
Winnipeg is my home now, and I love it.
But after some recent life changes I believe I've decided that my heart wants to wander once again. My heart is telling me to do some more soul searching. To smell ocean air, to meditate, to play and dance and be with nature. I feel myself going to a very stable, sturdy career but I want to let go of responsiblity while I can, while I'm young and wild. I don't want that stable spot quite yet...
So I'm opening up to opportunity... And it feels so right. Raaaa I just want to run around and scream happy things!
I love home! I love what I do! I just want to love me! (and I do love me i just want to love being authentic me in every moment, which requires some alone ness, and some room for spontaneity... maybe possibly travel and space! And there's something about ocean air that I want to breathe.
At this time in my life, Winnipeg is my home and I love it. But I sense that some day my home will be by the sea in a small home far from too much noise. But that's a ways away!
Life in Winnipeg... I love Winnipeg but I won't forever be a prairie girl! Who knows! Maybe I won't forever be an ocean girl or a mountain girl... I'll just be water. Ebbing and flowing, shaping to whatever surroundings I so choose. Maybe I could make a home of any place I go. Maybe this is a skill I seek to find. Any which way, I love a lot about my surroundings and I'm excited to meet new surroundings, but I don't love some of what's inside, so I must let myself be free....
Lost heart! Soon to wander again!
And here is a video of me in the beginning of my travels in Maui, Hawaii...
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